Sunday, 2. September 2007, 04:54:29
Yesterday I was feeling so positive, and now i feel sad and depressed. I hate the changeability of my moods.
Even saying Hello, got me thinking. Hell+o...yep that seems to suit my mood. Hell = here I go again feeling crap. O = oh boy, why do i have to feel this way.
Now back to my 'focused ramblings'; they seemed like such a good idea yesterday...now it just feels like a feeble attempt at feel good psychology.
Anyway today's topic was going to be LIVE EACH DAY.
Well, I didn't. I stayed in bed. I got up and had a frozen pizza, some fruit and a cup of hot chocolate. I also watched some tellie. None of which could be refered to as 'living each day'...it was just bare survival. Also i'm really glad that I forgot to turn my phone back on after my trip to the doctors. I didn't have to listen to anyone trying to call me. I also didn't have to feign being normal.
I hate that about depression. The obligation to put on a face for the world to talk to...because let's face it no one really want's to talk to a sad sack. I put on a face, as it's easier to do than deal with people being concerned about me. The "oh i'm sorry, is there anything i can do?" is just so old. It's not like anyone can actually do anything to help. Hell if there was something that could be done, don't you think i'd already be doing it??? It just makes me feel worse when people try to be kind.
Why is it that people try to make other's feel better? I'm sure that mostly they are offering help so that they feel better. If you want to feel better, go and see a movie, or whatever...just leave me alone.
Live each day...it'd be nice to find something enjoyable about everyday. I suppose I enjoyed watching the tellie. I probably even enjoyed playing with Maurice (he needed chasing around the house, but had to just put up with me haranguing him when he got near me). I think the sun shone today...although it might have rained. Time and space are not my strong suit at the minute.
Even the Doctor complained about me not turning up to appointments. I said that inbetween his office calling me the day before my appointment, and the actual appointment, the days sort of blended into one another. That it was difficult to tell if it was may or december, let alone yesterday and today. For all I know yesterday could be last month, or tomorrow. It doesn't really matter to me.
LOL, so perhaps I do live each day? Or am I just letting life happen around me, and not living it? At the minute I don't really care. As my last Ex would say 'meh'...it's actually a good word to respond to things. It can convey apathey, a questioning approval, disgust, or a whole host of other emotions. So much more civilised than the average grunt. Ha.
In the spirit of youth through the ages, 'I'm bored'. I just wish life would hurry up and change already. The last seven or eight years have been a blur of nothing much. Hurry up and be nothing, or something.
Well i'm sick of this so i'm going to go now.
Oh and here is a link; Van Gogh made me cry when i saw this painting in the flesh. I'm standing in the museum with tears streaming down my face and sniffling away, and the other patrons were looking at me as if I was a weirdo. Stuff them! If I want to be moved by art, and the actual realisation that I was finally seeing something I'd only ever seen in books before, then let me revel in the experience.
That was about ten years ago now, and the tears could still be fresh upon my face. Meh.