Thursday, 25. September 2008, 00:15:10
I'm feeling run down (sore throat and the usual accompanying thoughts of suicude). Not that I want to be dead in particular just I don't want to feel the way I do at the minute, which is irritating in itself.
Anyway run down...is that like as in a flat battery, or perhaps being run over by a car...or an elephant for that matter? Or is it that something scary has been chasing you and it's finally caught up to you?
Applied to me it generally means that i've been doing too many things and my body starts to feel like it's falling apart...so perhaps i'm more like a car that's been driven to death? lol, that in it's self is quite a statement. Is it any wonder that I feel suicidal when i let myself get run down, when I compare myself to a car on it's last legs.
LOL, I just got a mental image of myself as a car running as fast as I could with four legs, whilst still sitting behind the drivers wheel. Very Dali-esque...and quite similar to his elephants on stilt like legs. I'm very sure I couldn't hold a car body up with two sets of my own legs...although perhaps if i'd grown up having a car body, my legs would naturally be stronger than they are now?
I'm feeling dissatisfied. I had been about to say i was bored and unsatisfied, but realised that i'm more dissatisfied rather than unsatisfied, and bored due to the lack of controlable change in the right directions...so it really did just come down to my dissatisfaction. Unsatisfied implies that i'm lacking something that would make me satisfied, whereas dissatisfaction explains that although I have everything I need, I'm not content with the quality of those things. Although 'things' isn't the right word for all that i'm trying to describe, because i'm also applying it to all the ephemeral aspects of my life as well as the material.
Animals are for life...or at least that's the way i've been raised. I'm really starting to loathe my dog...if he was a boyfriend I'd have dumped him by now. The honeymoon period is definitely over and now I feel like a trapped housewife who's been beaten into submission by an abusive husband...putting up with all the pain and sorrow because it's what's expected from me. I feel trapped and miserable. Perhaps it's just a reflection of the rest of my life surfacing in my relationship with him?
Fuck! I just want to die!!! I'm so fucking sick of it all. Sick and tired. I wish it were possible just to remove all the unwanted body parts. I'd start with all the non-essentials and spare parts...paring out all the excess cells. Tonsils would be first to go followed closely by my womb, after that would be the fat cells that don't add anything to my appearance, toenails, and perhaps even fingernails (although i'd prefer it if they could leave some other shaped scar, as the 'H' shaped one my brother has for a big toe just looks dodgy...A single vertical or horizontal one would be ok...although a pink one the shape of a nail would be better.) IT'd be great if they could use the old cells as stem cells to repair the broken bits in my body...i'd love a new back that was straight and strong, not to mention a tailbone that wasn't painful to sit upon. And new teeth! One's that haven't been ground away to a thin sharp sheet, or nubs in my mouth. Also I could do with removing the pain receptors, just keeping enough so that I don't burn or cut an apendage off without noticing...I wouldn't want to become leperish. LOL is a lepreachan a leper with a bad corn? "Alms for a leper?" calls the wisen old woman as she hobbles down a cobblestone street wearing inaproriate high heals and pointy toes.
I'm off for tonight to see if i can find anything watchable on tellie after midnight *sigh* I wish they'd re-ban all of those dial a date/sexworker ads...and got rid of the infomercials. I think the infomercials should stick to the free paytv channels...they'd still be watched, and perhaps have a higher success rate since the people watching actually want to buy stuff.