Monday, October 26, 2009

A little impulse...

A little impulse...

Saturday, 24. May 2008, 02:49:13
Well here I am again...acting on impulses, and having desires filled at my request. Not huge things, just a haircut, lunch or going for drives. Innocent you might say, but in reality it points to a greater issue. I'm on the low side of hypomania, and appear quite normal and cheerful...but there is always a need to second guess my own motives. How much of what I do is reasoned out sanely? *grin* lol, how much of any choice is reasoned out sanely by someone with a mental illness? My point is that at the minute I'm just as likely to do something because I want to, opposed to something that I've thought through.

At the minute I want to up sticks and live in the UK. A couple of good doco's, or some music will get me to thinking about what I'm missing out on. lol, the glamour and grit, the wry humour, the keen fashion, smog, fog and the underground. *sigh* OMG, just to live in a country that is green, that you can pop over to another country on your day off...I mean seriously what's not to desire? College's, history, art, language, people! All that is basically out of reach, unless my mother decides to go and live in europe for a minimum of two years...then an EU passport would be within reach. I should have stayed when I was 21...put aside all my fears and got myself a working permit. Silly considering I was offered a job in a shop in Scotland...and all I'd done was to wander in browsing. *sigh* Yet again the black dog bit me, and squashed any self confidence. So here I am slightly Hypomanic and brimming with confidence in my abilities...wishing for every desire to be granted

18 months to 2 years is about as long as I've held a job before depression interfers and I feel I ought to give the job to someone more worthwhile. It's so damn limiting...i'm bright and intelligent, yet held back by the inevitable. I just have to find a job that I can work when I'm well and hibernate when I'm not, lol which means something and even then I can't be selling anything, as you have to be reliably keeping in touch with stockists etc. I'm not brilliant at art, which basically leaves me with writing. People enjoy talking to me, but does that ability translate well into the written word? LOL, certainly I'd have to utilise my spell checker, to pick up the myriad of typos, and my stubborn insistance on spelling particular words 'my way'.

I've certainly read a lot of trash over the years, and hopefully i'll be at least as good as them (being published does require a certain degree of skill, no matter what).
LOL, although keeping to a deadline will be hard. Lol, keeping any timeline is hard I suppose I'd better just get on and write every single day...a chapter here and there, ought to eventually flow. LOL but how many other hairbrained schemes have I come up with?


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