Pain is one of the ultimate character changers.
Wednesday, 26. March 2008, 18:59:46
I am in pain. I don't mean the average pain of a headache...i'd welcome it. But real pain, where you wish someone would rip, slice or just plain remove the offending areas of pain. I am at the point where I want to kill someone, anyone, including myself. I am horrible, nasty and rude to almost everyone...and I just want anyone (animals included) to just fuck off and leave me alone...unless of course they can remove the pain.
I have no idea how people live with pain like this year after year. Being bipolar is easier, as at least i know that eventually the inner pain will stop...this is unending. Surgery is dangled in front of me as a possible solution...but even after an initial interview with a surgeon I'll be put on a waiting list which depending upon how many people who are worse off than me, i'll be stuck in limbo.
I swear like a trooper, or sailor or possibly worse than a combination of them. The number of times I say "Cunt, mother fucker, mother fucker, cunt, fuckers, cunt, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, CUNT!!!!", is unbelievable...lol and you should hear me if I have to travel in a car...every slightest bump or dip in the road elicits a tirade like that one. Moving from sitting to lying, to draping or standing, kneeling to hanging by my ankles...every single moment i'm in pain. All the pain killers I'm on, anti-inflamitories, muscle relaxants...I'm injecting and swallowing them down every six hours (with a nap inbetween), some can only be taken every eight hours, some twelve hourly, some in between other doses...and you know what it achieves? At best I feel like my leg has fallen asleep and i've got pins and needles and that awful half pain you get as it wakes up. I can't bend at the waist (so sitting is a bitch)...bending and twisting is absolutely banned as it will only injure me worse. I can't cook or take the garbage out...I have to rely on friends to help with housework, and driving me places.
I normally sleep on my side and have done for as long as I can remember...no more! I must sleep on my back, the only variance in position that my pain allow is to bend one leg out to a side and prop it on a pillow...if I'm lucky I'll be allowed by the pain to let the othter leg have a turn doing the same thing later in the night. So much for sleeping in a fetal position all curled up neatly in my warm fluffy doona, which is what i've done every other night of my life. OK, that's not quite true...sometimes when i'm really off the wall and unable to sleep due to a bipolar mood swing, the only position i'd be able to get an hour or so to sleep in is on my stomach, curled around my pillow. Still curled up and comfortable. I can't watch TV to distract myself as being flat on my back gives me a view of the ceiling (so all I can do is listen to the damn thing)...or if i've draped myself across the end of a poof on the chaise lounge, i get a crick in my neck from proping myself up on my elbows to watch for a while...then i fall asleep (due to the sedative nature of all the drugs i have to take) in that position and end up with aching knees, because i've just spent the whole day drapped with my weight dispersed over the end of the couch and my knees on a cushion. You'd think that all the pain killers i've been taking would take care of all those other niggling pains, but apparently they can only cope with 'X' amount of pain and anything extra well, that just goes by the way side and I get to put up with it.
OH, and the bst bit about all this is the one drug that actually seems to help manage the pain is not on the PBS list...so it has to be paid for in full, roughly $50-60 for 20 or 5 doses depending upon whether i'm ingesting it or injecting it. The only other alternative for me to receive it and not actually have to pay for it is to clog up the local ER...on a 6 hourly basis. Fun idea huh???
So pretty much all around i'm fucked! I'm sick and tired of it all. I just want the pain to be over and done with so I can get on with my life. LOL, I can't even do my own shopping, as I need someone else to push the trolley!
Unlike a depression I can't sleep through it as the pain wakes me up...or the dog as he's bored stupid and I can't even take him for a walk or play with him enough so that he doesn't 'need' to bother me.
I'm sick, sick, sick of it! I'm not giving up yet...as there are still so many things I want to do with my life. Cliche or what??? Frankly at this point I don't give a flying Fuck, I just want things to hurry up and change so I can get on with it!
One minute things look great dn I feel like I might be on a bipolar upswing then teh pain brings me crashhing back down to a state of anger and misery...I could be rapid cycling, although I think the clinical pain would preclude that as a diagnoses. Although, since stress is a major trigger for mood swings, perhaps it wouldn't preclude it? Phft, what does it matter? It makes no difference in the long run.
So that's life today, boring and painful. No terrific insight's into life this evening.
So Cheerio from me. LOL, I'm so sick of people asking me how I am today...I say great and then say 'actually I'm lying!'...so saying Cheerio, is just as ridiculous...although I suppose i'm wishing you a good day, so perhaps it's not so bad. So, Have a nice day! lol, now wasn't that facetious *grin*
LOL, have a good one anyway!