Dark Dark Days...
Thursday, 22. November 2007, 22:54:55
What to say?
I'm in a depression.
All I can think about is a noose around my throat.
Sinking into an eternal blackness that I never wake up from.
That being said, I'm not actually suicidal.
I try to keep as still as possible, as if to minimalise my interaction with the pain that is just me.
If I move or do things I end up either angry or in tears.
I try to sleep through the worst. It's either that or go completely out of my head.
When I feel I can keep it together for a couple of hours, I try to visit with friends and family...behaving 'normal' as I know it helps both myself and those I interact with.
It reminds me that life isn't always this stinking tarred ball that lurks inside my chest.
It helps those around me by letting them know I haven't given up and that i'm not actually going to kill myself in what they see as destructive behaviour.
I haven't been able to explain it clearly enough that I do what I do to cope with what is inside me...not because I'm not coping. Or that just because I have thoughts of wanting to die, doesn't mean that I actually want to kill myself. There is a huge difference between me thinking of death, and being actually suicidal. It's about the same as going window shopping and actually walking into a shop and purchasing an item. When you go window shopping you can dream of being a size 2 and having perfect hair, and a wonderful partner to walk out of an amazing party looking fabulous with...when the reality is that you're a size 16, have unruly hair and no party or partner. One is a wishful thought that passes as you get on with your life, and the other is lying to yourself. That is how I consider actually commiting suicide...it's just lying to myself to avoid getting on with living. Whereas a passing thought helps you get on with life.
Anyway that's where I'm at right now...feeling crappy and just doing what I can to cope.
I'll write again when there is more energy.