Wednesday, 15. August 2007, 01:38:21
I think I mentioned I'm bi-polar right?
Well i'm in a bit of a down swing ATM. It's weird sitting at the computer with tears streaming down your face and no actual emotion going on inside to have triggered them.
I went to my doc the day after my 'psycho' post...to get a perscription for one of my meds, and let him know what was going on with me. He suggested we do a neuro-feedback session to deal with the crap that was occupying my mind the other day...all that anger and frustration at not being over it all by now.
For those who don't know what neuro-feedback is; it's a bit like measuring brain wave frequencies, and then meditating to bring them back into line with what is 'normal'. So effectively you work at retraining your brain to think like a normal person. I've had some success with it...and even pissed my doc off a bit, with how easily i can complete some sessions (he'd spent six months trying to learn one exercise, that i could do within two minutes).
So anyway i got to lie down in a big comfy chair and have electrode thingies stuck to my ears and right eye socket, and listen to beaps (a gong sounds if you're getting it right...and other crickety noises if you're on the right path). Anyway, as i lay there, a whole host of things that have triggered an angry confused feeling in me flooded back to me. Stuff that I haven't thought about in well over fifteen years.
It's funny that way the brain works...you can not think of something for years, then something insignificant triggers a memory and emotion (just think of your grandmother's perfume and how that makes you feel . It was exactly like that, and then I slipped into a dream. It was a bit like my usual epic saga type of dream, but all focused around these past hurts. I know that dreams are meant to be a way of subconsiously of processing feelings, but the instant link was weird.
The doc also warned me that I could have those sorts of 'flashes' (I want to say flashbacks here, but since i haven't exactly experienced them yet, I can't.) where I slip into similar feelings, and other internal processing reflexes, for the next three weeks at least. When I learnt massage, I had a teacher explain that in some cases memories are stored in muscles, and that massage may cause the person to relive experiences. I realise that may sound freaky and unscientific...but who know's what the body and brain are really capable of.
*smile* as you might have guessed I err on the side of mysticism, rather than pure science. I tend to listen to my intuition as well as evaluate the facts in front of me.
When I massage someone I actually feel knots in my body mirroring the client, and as I work their knots out my own dissapate. So I figure at the very least the mind is a powerful tool at healing your own body. *smile* and it's probably the reason behind the placebo effect working.
Anyway, i'm feeling all mixed up. Like you've shoved all your memories and feelings into a paper bag and given them a good shake...everything that makes up you is still in the bag, but not where you left them. You stumble over feelings as if someone rearranged your furniture while you were sleeping, then you got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. A whack on the shin, or a stubbed toe is the unpleasant surprise, but any happiness is like the cool water slipping down your parched throat.
Speaking of water, I love it. So cool and clear. I like to drink it as it was intended to be drunk...straight from the sky! NO ADDITIVES! I especially hate chlorine...why add bleach to water? If I'm buying water (which i have to do here in Ballarat) i look for the lowest in chlorine and sodium, as it just tastes better! My personal favourite is Nobles...it's as close to H2O as they can filter it. Have you ever tried drinking distilled water? I'll let you in on a secret, it doesn't taste like rain water either...at least the stuff they sell to put into iron's doesn't
Theoretically it should taste like nothing. I wonder why water shouldn't be tasty? Or why air doesn't smell? Why is it that the other things crucial to survival have flavours and they don't? They would be my favourite two things for survival I suppose...although food and sex are right up there.
I suppose that's a bizare thing to say...that air and water are my favourites. Mainly because they are so often taken for granted. Yet when people visit the country the first thing most people comment upon is how fresh they feel from the air. Water, is always sort of forgotten about, until someone mentions swimming, or putting the kettle on. Even cups of tea taste better in the country (if you're using rain water). Spring water is ok, if you're able to find one with the right balance of chemicals...but i'm picky.
Remember to try and drink two litres of water every day...your body needs it...and water in tea and coffee DON'T count. If you keep a large glass or bottle beside you throughout the day, you're more likely to get through it. Your body will also adjust to the level of water you're using and after a few days you won't even be busting to go to the loo all the time
And that is the end of my day's rabbiting. Although rabbitting is another funny word that i could wonder about...why is it that I understand it to mean talking about random topics as they enter my head? I wouldn't have thought it was much like rabbit behaviour...although the way a rabbit dashes about to elude whatever is chasing it might bear some resemblance? lol, enough pondering from me