Monday, October 26, 2009



Tuesday, 4. September 2007, 02:47:11
That's today's topic...SILENCE
Is that enough silence?

Take time to contemplate, regroup and renew.
Listen to what happens when you stop making a racquet.
It's weird every time I do that not only do I hear more of the world, but I start to see more of the world too.

It's not actually something that I've done today btw...I went back to sleep instead.
Actually for the last couple of night's i've ended my night with no music or tv going in the background...which means that I can actually hear the sound of my typing. It's let me know that my touch typing is better than I thought it was.

Oh and yesterday I was updating my blog file on my hard drive (you know for when I forget where this website is...which is what I invariably do with every other blog I've started on myspace or wherever. But I actually like this blog space, it feels comfy like an old armchair.) Umm, what was I going to say? Oh that's right, I came across some of my other writing and reread it. I actually didn't mind too much what I'd written, which is odd as normally i'm quite hard on myself. Anyway, I thought i'd share one with you (It isn't finished, but none of my stuff is .

Happiness in transition.

Moods shifting like liquid silver.
Thoughts are dragged reluctantly from my brain by grasping skeletal fingers.
Fears impair my mobility like sucking, stagnant mud.
Silver spines stud my back, quivering with every word.
I sense noise in ever fibre of my being.
Acid or venom is ready, and barely kept in my mouth.
I’ll burn anyone who goes a micron too far.

Happiness, it shifts in and out of my grasp.
One minute it’s love, friendship and family.
Another minute and it’s an ungraspable concept, barely remembered.
A grain of sand, the wind blows off my hand and is lost in the grass.
Smiles are seen through sepia photos, aged and discoloured.

It’s so hard to describe, so many people have no comprehension.
Different phrases and different words, cannot bridge the oceans between us.
It’s like trying to believe that yellow is purple, you’ve either seen it look that way or you haven’t.
The majority of people see happiness as yellow.
In my cloudy, sepia photos I can see happiness was yellow.
My happiness is purple now.

That sounds quite permanent.
In my topsy-turvy world of bipolarity, happiness could be any colour, shade, hue, or shadow.

So there you are, what did you think?
I was obviously fairly heavily depressed. I think I wrote it sometime in my recovery after having been hospitalised.

The silver spines I was talking about are not only figurative, but also part of one of my halucinations. I kind of remeber them as quivering like cats whiskers when they are alert to danger. Only they were metal extensions from the actual bone of my spine. Needle sharp and quite deadly, if I was to flick a shoulder around towards you.

I have to say I've always enjoyed my halucinations...all throughly gory or menacing. As if I was some emo/goth/sci-fi being. Which if you saw me bumming round the house in my jeans and T you'd never equate to me. Meh. Never judge a halicination on the body that is housing it.

I was going to go off into a speil about my all time favourite halicination (where my arm is disected)...comparing it to the scene in "House of Wax" (the horror flick that Paris Hilton gets speared right through) where the guy get's his face peeled off when his friend tries to break him free of the wax that's imprisoning him...where you see all the blood and muscles free of skin. But that reminded me about one of the premises of the movie. Why is it that the bodies don't decompose? They are not totally sealed in wax...otherwise you'd not be able to see the eyes move in that same said scene. Also, why doesn't the skin cook as they are being sprayed with wax? Surely everyone remembers dipping thier fingers into the hot wax of a candle? With the depth of wax that is sprayed onto each body the residual heat would have to burn the victim.

I know, I can hear you thinking "It's only a movie. It's not meant to be realistic.", but why is it that we can't have a little more realism in movies? Surely there is enough bizarre shit in this world that movies could have something a little more real.

Anyway, i'm off to enjoy the peacful hum of my heater, and the click of the mouse button as I surf for Fan Death

Have a good night.

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