Sunday, November 28, 2010

A very quick post

Hi hi,

Just wanted to share a movie quote with you. It's from a tv movie "Riverworld" 2010.
The road we walk was built with the stones that scarred our feet. ~ Tomoe Gozen
It just seemed to be another way of putting "what hasn't killed you has made you stronger" or "suffering is good for the character" ...which is said so often in my family that it ought to be our motto.

Cheerio Kate

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A little blog fun

Hi Hi,
Today's game is from another blog. Thanks Lady Drace. I found the page by searching for pictures of Andrew Lee Potts.
Anyhoo, the game is this:
1. Bold the names of guys you'd definitely sex it up with.
2. Italicize the names of guys you might do after a little persuasion.
3. Leave the guys who don't do anything for you alone.
4. Put a question mark after the guys you've never heard of.
5. Strike the guys you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.
6. Add three more guys to the list.

1. Russell Howard ?
2. Criss Angel 
3. Robert Pattinson (In the right light)
4. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
5. Hugh Jackman
6. Brad Pitt
7. Jared Padalecki
8. Taylor Lautner 
9. Jackson Rathbone 
10. Robert Downey Jr. (when he's not drinking)
11. Jared Leto
12. Adam Gontier ?
13. Chris Kane 
14. Michael Welch ?
15. Jensen Ackles?
16. Michael Shanks
17. Misha Collins
18. Ryan Reynolds
19. Andrew-Lee Potts 
20. Lee Pace ?
21. David Tennant
22. John Krasinski 
23. Rupert Grint
24. Justin Chambers 
25. Patrick Dempsey
26. Scott Patterson ?
27. Matt Czuchry ?
28. Ed Westwick 
29. Jim Parsons 
30. Mark Salling 
31. Andy Samberg ?
32. Chace Crawford 
33. Gaspard Ulliel ?
34. Bradley James
35. Colin Morgan
36. Joseph Gordon-Levitt 
37. Christian Bale
38. Alexander Siddig
39. Jude Law
40. Tom Ward
41.  John Barrowman
42.  Rupert Evans

Obviously I could have added more than three that I fancy...and I admit to seaching imdb for pictures of lots of the fellows with question marks (and italics since I never remember names that go with faces till I see them :).

Hmm, is it a reflection of my love life that out of 42 men there are only 18 that I wouldn't sleep with? lol, perhaps it's more a reflection of why I don't date...the fact that out of 42 men that are considered good looking I'd still only sleep with 24.

lol something for me to sleep on I think :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Been a while...

So it's been a while since I've written anything. I've definitely been in hibernation mode. There hasn't been anything in particular that's been keeping me there apart from not wanting to upset the apple cart. For the most part my moods have been good when I've chosen to be in the world. I've lost my temper once and shouted at E. Which is something I haven't done in about ten years with a person. 

I stick my head in a hole when there is stress around...perhaps that's the reason I've been hibernating? E has been ill and had exams and hasn't coped with that. T and P have been working away in N.S.W., making it hard for T to see his kids and they've both been working very long hours with lots of pressure. M has been running around after everyone else and is starting to lose it. Me, I just go to bed and sleep.

Um I suppose that I've also been inventing a dream world to live in, just like I did as a teenager. Although I have to admit it's much harder to escape into it as I did when a teenager. I want to put that down to my medication and the way it affects the way my brain works. I have the same trouble reading books. My concentration only lasts so long before I need to reread something, which of course interrupts how deeply I can immerse myself in the story...which is the most frustrating part! I used to read a novel a night as a teenager, and now i'm lucky if I can read a couple of novels a year.

I do escape into the Sims a bit, it's nice to download furniture and stuff, then to build a dream house. Sometimes I theme the build with the characters I've made. Snowy the cat was a redneck with a mullet who lived in a converted warehouse with boarded and barred windows. Millie the chook, lives with John Chook, and a daughter Katie Chook, in a triple fronted cream brick venereal (veneer for those who don't know my families lexicon). Which is quite fitting since they are fifties rockers, poodle skirt included, and they were all the rage in Australia in the baby boomer era.

Oh you may be wondering about the chook references, last week I got 5 chickens. They are Isa Browns (aka brown eyes) which are a medium reddy brown with the odd white feather in their tails, wings or ruff. They are sweet chooks and eat out of my hand. They were on the point of lay when I got them, with only one of them actually laying, whereas now I'm getting three eggs a day. I was given a chook shed for my birthday. I did have a little problem with them eating the odd egg which I fixed by filling an egg with Tabasco, mustard and chilli. I had an old syringe which was used to flush ronnie's dodgy eyes with saline, which after piercing the egg's side with holes large enough to get the nozzle of the syringe into, I just flushed the white out and replaced it with this hot mixture.

Well I don't feel like writing much else today, so I'll leave you with a song.

 "Heartbeats" JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ

[The Knife cover]

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

And just because I love his voice another one :)

"Teardrops" JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ  

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Feathers on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Feathers on my breath

Night, night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Feathers on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Feathers on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Feathers on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Feathers on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Feathers on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Feathers on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Feathers on my breath

You're stumbling into harm
Stubling into harm

Cheers Kate 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Family Rhymes

I was just contemplating my families nursery rhymes...most of which have mangled some valid source.
Case in Point: 
Round and round the mulberry bush,
The monkey chased the weasel, 
The monkey thought it was all in fun,
Pop goes the weasel.

Round and round the mulberry bush,
The monkey chased the weasel,
The monkey stopped to pull up his socks,
Pop goes the weasel.

Now that is quite obviously a mash up of "Round and round the mulberry bush" and "Pop goes the weasel" with a little family flavour thrown in for the heck of it. But now we come to the serious digression.

Rocky Raccoon,
Sat on a spoon,
In the middle of a room, 
On top of the moon.

Now, as you'll notice there isn't really a resemblance to anything much, and certainly no real tune to follow. 
Now as any good Beatles follower knows there is in fact a song called Rocky Raccon and it was on the White Album. So for comparison here are the original lyrics, and a nice you tube clip :)

Now somewhere in the black mountain hills of Dakota
There lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon
And one day his woman ran off with another guy
Hit young Rocky in the eye Rocky didn't like that
He said I'm gonna get that boy
So one day he walked into town
Booked himself a room in the local saloon

Rocky Raccoon checked into his room
Only to find Gideon's bible
Rocky had come equipped with a gun
To shoot off the legs of his rival
His rival it seems had broken his dreams
By stealing the girl of his fancy
Her name was Magil and she called herself Lil
But everyone knew her as Nancy
Now she and her man who called himself Dan
Were in the next room at the hoe down
Rocky burst in and grinning a grin
He said Danny boy this is a showdown
But Daniel was hot, he drew first and shot
And Rocky collapsed in the corner, ah

D'da d'da d'da da da da
D'da d'da d'da da da da
D'da d'da d'da da d'da d'da d'da d'da
Do do do do do do

D'do d'do d'do do do do
D'do d'do d'do do do do
D'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'do
Do do do do do do

Now the doctor came in stinking of gin
And proceeded to lie on the table
He said Rocky you met your match
And Rocky said, doc it's only a scratch
And I'll be better I'll be better doc as soon as I am able

And now Rocky Raccoon he fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon's bible
Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
To help with good Rocky's revival, ah
Oh yeah, yeah

D'do d'do d'do do do do
D'do d'do d'do do do do
D'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'do
Do do do do do do

D'do d'do d'do do do do, come on, Rocky boy
D'do d'do d'do do do do, come on, Rocky boy
D'do d'do d'do do do d'do d'do d'do d'do
The story of Rocky there

Cute vid huh?
Cheers Kate 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Silly things we do...

Ugh, have you ever felt a headache that starts in your shoulders and rolls over like a wave that is crashing, that ends by smashing your nose into the rocks on the sea floor? Right now my eyes feel as if they are being buffeted by the rolling turbulence of the water frothing upon itself, my nose feels bloodied and crushed, my shoulders and brain feel like they've been ripped from my body and stuck in a spin cycle of a front loading washer.

All this because I forgot to pick up a script for one of my medications. Day one I feel nauseous and head-achy which can be combated by food and sufficent hydration. Day two results in the above, plus the only possible escape from those symptoms is to sleep...but a sleep you can't wake up from, and no amount of trying to lift your eyelids or calling out for help in a feeble yet terrified sleepy mumble brings anyone to your aid. I felt like I called out for a good hour or so, hoping that someone would come to my rescue and pick up my drugs for me...all I needed was a single capsule to help bring me back around to a normal state of being able to open my eyes and move from room to room. Eventually I was able to rouse myself enough to reach a phone and call for help. It still took me another few hours of sleep after I took the capsule, to be able to get out of bed (till 9.30pm) I am just dealing with the physical pain.

All this because I forgot to pick up my medication two days in a row. Scary stuff really. I know it says on all the information on the boxes "DO NOT STOP TAKING THIS MEDICATION", but sometimes life just happens and the result is that you have to find a way to cope until you can take the medication again. 

Even with life's ups and downs, my life is pretty good. Although it would be better if I didn't do silly things like forget to pick up my medication :)

Cheers Kate 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

The title says it all I'm afraid.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Beatles top 100


I heard the other day that Rolling Stone is publishing The Beatles top 100, the top ten of which you can find here and at the very end of this post. (I do love the lists they compile over there, some excellent listening!). This got me thinking about which Beatles song is my favourite. In my mid-teens I pretty much only listened to sixties music, as the eighties didn't really inspire me musically. As such I often found the Beatles high on my rotation list...along with the Byrds, the Easybeats, and the Stones (a bit of a Brit-Pop thing happening there, which was echoed again once we were into the nineties).

Anyway here is my favourite Beatles song and  accompanying lyrics.

Norwegian Wood
I once had a girl
Or should I say, she once had me
She showed me her room
Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

She asked my to stay and told me sit anywhere
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair

I sat on a rug, biding my time
Drinking her wine
We talked until two, and then she said:
"It's time for bed,"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh
I told her I didn't, and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone
This bird has flown
So I lit a fire
Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

LOL, I just read the wiki article on the meaning behind the lyrics. 
Norwegian wood = Cheap pine, which was the craze to deck your house out in when the song was written (*shudder* I still have nightmares dealing with how to cover up cheap pine anything). Apparently a girl had led John on and made him sleep in the bath instead of putting out, and as payback in the song at least they thought the appropriate retaliation ought to be burning down her house. I must say that if I heard a fella talking about burning down a house just because a girl wouldn't have sex with him, I'd think he was an arrogant pig, and good on the girl for saying no in the first place...but I suppose it ought to be apparent that the generational gap is an issue just by me having been born nine years after this was recorded.

Perhaps I ought to save my generational rant for another post? lol, I'm old enough now to be driven insane by the younger generation...something which I never thought would happen to me. lol I guess it happens to most people eventually.

Back on track now, here is the Rolling Stone Magazine's top ten Beatles songs.
10. While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
9. Come Together.
8.  Let it Be.
7. Hey Jude.
6.  Something.
5. In My Life.
4.  Yesterday.
3.  Strawberry Fields Forever.
2.  I Wanna Hold Your Hand.
1.  A Day in the Life.

And just because I like the number one on the list, here is the song and lyrics.

A Day in the Life
I read the news today oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grave
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords.

I saw a film today oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
but I just had to look
Having read the book
I'd love to turn you on

Woke up, fell out of bed,
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
And looking up I noticed I was late.
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in second splat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
and Somebody spoke and I went into a dream

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
I'd love to turn you on

I hope you've enjoyed the sojourn into Beatles land.
See you on the flip side!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Odd dreams due to lack of one drug.


So today's  post is about what happens when I forget to refill a certain script. While the avanza script messes with my sleep patterns, effexor messes with my dreams and manner of sleeping. First of all I sleep so heavily that I don't roll over, which leaves me feeling like i've killed all the cells in one hip due to lack of blood flow. Secondly it severely messes with my dreams. I have bizzare saga dreams on any usual night, but when I haven't taken this med they are epic bizzaro's like I have extra long dream cycles, which are all interlinked more than usual. It reminds me of what I was once told happens to alcoholics once they come off the grog; the grog had them sleeping in such a deep state for so many years that their bodies try to compensate for all the lost years of rem sleep...flooding them with dreams, to the point that they can feel as if they are going mad.

Anyway, last night's dream my whole family when on a sex convention (not like sexpo)...where every sexual concept you've ever held was challenged, and you were encouraged to experiment without repercussions. There were confrences to ask you why you believed what you did, why you limited yourself to certain attractive people as potential partners...all  the while that was going on i was also a secret agent that travelled through time, could fly by concentrating, and could also turn myself invisible at will. 

So I went off exploring various situations like hooking up with a 50's rock and roll singer who went to my old school in Hamilton. Apparently it was due to my interference with his life that he became such a huge success. I rearranged the school buildings and built an awesome swimming pool that was dedicated to him, so that his name would live on forever (at least in that community). I bounced around that school for a couple of hundred years, helping other's reach the peaks of their professions.

Eventually I returned to the confrence and thwarted an evil master mind from taking over the world, had George Bush pay me a large wad of cash, which my father insisted on calling me a prostitute for accepting. All the while my family was blissfully unaware of my super spy abilities, and they'd been only exploring their own sexualities. Then things dipped briefly into reflections of how I see each of them and their attitudes towards sex and the world around them...and I told them off for ignoring the fact that Raphy had been witness to all thier behaviour towards each other, and how was he supposed to make sense of the world and his own sexuality in the future if he'd been subjected to all of their foibles. I asked Raph what we could do to untraumatise him, and he expressed that all he wanted was to go on the rollercoaster on level we packed a picnic and got them to reopen that floor to us. Then we rode the rollercoaster until it was time to go home, by which time Raph was so plum tuckered that he was fast asleep on my back as I piggy backed him out of the convention centre. It could also express my worry about Raph being bipolar, or suffering from anxiety (the last of which he is already showing signs of).

So what does all of that mean? Well there are a heap of topics that have been running around in my family this year...sexuality being the biggest topic. Another being Raph's sponge like absorbtion of everything going on around him causing major problems for the poor little mite trying to make head and tail of the world around him. On a personal note I've discovered that i'm quite liberal (free thinking rather than political party) when compared to my family when it comes to attitudes about sex, appearance, and expressing what I believe, or wanting to experience new things. Also that I can shine, even tough the majority of people can't see me, and that I can control the environment around me...and that I'm often in the right place at the right time to get things done. 

*sigh* yet it also expresses the longing I have for meeting someone extraordinary to share my life with. Certainly a pearl in the rough appeals, yet I also feel invisible to them. That I also have to demonstrate physically that I believe that they can achieve great things before they truly understand how much they mean to me. Certainly a catch 22, and self destructive behavoiur.

Anyway, that's it from me today. I have to get out and buy these drugs, so I sleep better tonight :)

P.S. Also please excuse any typo's I may have made today as i've got my right hand bandaged so that I can't play solitare or mahjong. I've gone and given myself RSI in my index and middle fingers by playing them too much whilst watching tellie on my puta. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

So Tired

What can I say? I'm completely knackered. Today we put two large trees through a mulcher, and between the sawing, the draging and the lifting I've got no energy left. I'm about to pour myself into bed and sleep for a week.

So here is a rather obvious tribute to being tired...gotta love The Beatles.
Cheers Kate 
p.s. as per usual the lyrics are posted below the song.

"I'm so tired" ~ The Beatles

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

Monday, August 9, 2010

Something that shits me...

Hmm >:(
This is something that just annoys the hell out of me.
"Oh she's totally bipolar, I mean what a crazy bitch? Did you see her being nice to that guy in front of her and then turning around in the queue and doing her nut at the girl behind her?!?"
GRRR! Ok, I get that yes, her behaviour was bipolar in attitudes, but by usurping the label bipolar they are turning a serious illness into a joke. Just because someone is behaving in two opposite manners in a short space of time doe NOT make them bipolar.

I have a friend that does this, and I know he doesn't mean me any offence, and that he's just short-cutting his use of the language...but what comes out of one mouth is soon copied by the next.

Case in point I was having a forgetful day here in Ballarat, and during a conversation with about ten people I was heard saying:
"Get with the Leaflet!"
 When faced with blank stares I followed up with: 
"Oh you know the paper folding thingy!"
 Riotous laughter ensued at my muddling of the words Leaflet and Programme. 
About a month later as I was driving down the main street of town, past the main bus exchange, I heard two kids ribbing a third with:
"Der?!? Get with the Leaflet why don't cha?!?"
 That's correct, I was being quoted over a month later by total strangers! 

Now I may hear some of you thinking "Oh well, maybe she lives in a little country town in Australia, where everyone knows everyone else.", but you would be sorely mistaken Ballarat has just over 100,000 residents...I know approximately ten of  those 100,000.

So as you can see it only takes one person to say something silly, and the next thing you know vast masses have taken up the call.

I guess all I can do is express that by making a joke about something as serious as an illness or disorder, it does more harm than good. It certainly makes me feel like I've wasted all these years educating others about mental illness, and doing my best to reduce the stigma suffered by other's who are struggling daily with their individual problems.

Serious Kate, out. 


Tiny House!

Hey all,

Check out this tiny house, it's so cute!

Love Kate

Friday, August 6, 2010

Another song...

Hi Guys,

Here is yet another song for you. It just tickles my fancy.

"I am a man of constant sorrow" 
(In constant sorrow through his days)

I am a man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my day.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.
(The place where he was born and raised)

For six long years I've been in trouble
No pleasures here on earth I found
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.

[chorus] He has no friends to help him now

It's fare thee well my old lover
I never expect to see you again
For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon this train.

[chorus] Perhaps he'll die upon this train.

You can bury me in some deep valley
For many years where I may lay
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.

[chorus] While he is sleeping in his grave.

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore.

[chorus] He'll meet you on God's golden shore.

lol, did you like it? 


Writing Style.

Hey again all,

I just stumbled across this link which analyzes who you write like by sampling your text.
I thought I'd better share it here :) 

I write like
Stephen King
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
For my Blog

I write like
James Joyce
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I write like
Ian Fleming
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Story (Homo-erotic)

I write like
Chuck Palahniuk
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Story (Girly comedy)

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Story (Daydream)

I write like
Dan Brown
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Story (Sci-Fi)

I write like
Raymond Chandler
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I write like
H. G. Wells
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Story (Gothic romance)

I have to say I'm pretty chuffed that my writing style can vary so much. A pretty nifty exercise if you ask me. Now if only I could finish a story and have it published that would really be something!

Cheers Kate 

Closet Robbie Williams fan.

I have a confession to make...I'm a closet Robbie Williams fan. I realise with that statement I can renounce any claim to being cool. LOL, it's a good thing I'm too damn old to worry about whether or not I'm cool.

And of course here are some lyrics to go along with the song...

 "Come Undone"

So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinkin' about thinkin'
It's overrated, just get another drink and

Watch me come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum, and I'm your son
I come undone
I come undone

So rock 'n' roll, so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well-trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to
If I stop lying, I'll just disappoint you

Come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Come undone
I pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep
Come undone
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum, and I'm your son
I come undone

So write another ballad, mix it on a Wednesday
Sell it on a Thursday buy a yacht on Saturday
It's a love song, a love song
Do another interview, sing a bunch of lies
Tell about celebrities that I despise
And sing love songs, we sing love songs so sincere

So sincere

Come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Come undone
I pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep
Come undone
The young pretend you're in the clouds above the sea
I come undone
I am scum
Love your son
You've gotta love your son
Come undone
You've gotta love you son
Come undone

Love your son
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum

So I know it's about coke, however, I always think about when I'm in a depression, and how I live a duplicitous life. I'm so busy trying to convince everyone that I'm normal, even though I'm barely holding things together. Not to mention the self destructive behaviour I indulge in when I think "What the fuck! I may as well do whatever I like for a quick high, since everything is pretty pointless anyway." ...the flip side of which is: what damage am I doing to everyone around me by only considering myself.   

Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.

I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand.

I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I don’t wanna die,
But I ain’t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I’m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I’ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.


I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.


Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

This song however just expresses my longing to experience all the things that I miss out on when I'm at the mercy of Bipolarity. It's not that I'm not loved, because I's more that at times I'm unable to actually feel it, same as for the most part I've got everything that I need in life...The hitch is being able to actually connect to it emotionally. So I suppose it makes me feel that I'm missing out on half my life, and what a waste of the life I have within me.

Apart from all that Robbie has heaps of uplifting songs and nice high energy stuff which will get me bopping along and singing out of tune with my headphones yes, I'm a closet fan.

Cheers Kate   

Saturday, July 31, 2010

A New Look...


What do you think of my new look? William Morris is out and Original Kate is in. Well, when I say original, I mean stock photo's edited together and then filtered so that they no longer resemble the originals.

And here is another prepared just for The copperplate is by a little old guy who used to wander the streets of Sydney writing inspirational messages in chalk, and eternity was his favourite word there fore he became known as the Eternity Man. And the Chook is digitally altered to remind everyone of me! How egotistical is that??? Yes, I am the Eternity Chook. Long after the current generations are dead, the memory of the Eternity Chook shall live on in the annals of the Internet. Does the Internet even have annals? I suppose it must, like when we moved from dial up speeds to cable and ADSL, and the introduction of the social pages of facebook or blogger et al. On line email, and mass storage out in the ether, must surely qualify too. Oh and let's not forget the introduction of live porn streaming direct to your homes.

Hmm, isn't the internet just nifty?

So on a side note I had my hair died a purpley blue today...and the shower definitely needs a better scrub. Don't you hate it when you rinse the dye from your hair and it sticks to the 'invisible' soap scum in the shower? On the plus side it does mean that I can actually see what needs scrubbing. 

I've also been getting back into playing D&D, it's fun but seems to take up a large amount of time since I'm DMing for the first time ever. Between that, the garden and my trip to Queensland, I haven't been blogging very much. So sorry :)

Well I'm off to bed now, stuff to do tomorrow.
Cheers Big Ears :)
P.S. I'm not really saying you've got big ears (I mean that would hardly be fair of me since I haven't actually seen your ears), but rather wishing you a cheery greeting from all your friends in Toyland and of course Noddy! Toodles! 

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Serious Man

Hi All,
I've just re-watched A Serious Man. It's brought to us by the Coen Brother's. Their typical style provides us with moments that are funny, sad, and cringe worthy. A simple story that takes you on unexpected twists and turns, and leaves you wondering if this is what life is all about. It's just plain wonderful, like so many of their other offerings.

I think my favourite moment is almost at the end when Rabbi Marshak says "When the be lies...and all the hope...within you dies...Then what?..."
The words are quite similar to the question posed in my Bonekickers post...poignant as you've reached the crux of the story. Just as you're letting the deep and meaningful lesson sink in, you're swung a throwaway line, which turns the whole thought upside down. You're taken right back to the start of the movie and left wondering what life is all about. Just when you think you've got it all figured out they pose the ulitmate question: Can you really control your life, or at you at the mercy of circumstance? Does leading a good and moral life spare you from misfortune? If not, then what?

You're not given any answers to those questions in this movie. Live your life, and when it's all drawing to a close tell me then :)

On a side note here is one of my favourite songs from the movie. 

Jefferson Airplane - Somebody To Love 

When the truth is found to be lies
And all the joy within you dies

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

When the garden flowers baby are dead yes
And your mind is full of red

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

Your eyes, I say your eyes may look like his
But in your head baby I'm afraid you don't know where it is

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

Tears are running ah running down your breast
And your friends baby they treat you like a guest

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

And now my favourite Jefferson song :)

Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit 

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall.
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small.
When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"

I was in my first depression way back in my early teens when I first listened to this a lot. I had a myriad of physical symptoms that were masking what was wrong with me, none of which would respond to normal treatment. So it really felt like the song to me. The world was all wrong and nothing my mother or doctors could give me did anything to help. I'd feel great at times and miserable at others. I toyed with the idea of getting wasted on various things to see if it helped. Lucky for me I figured out that wasn't going to solve any problems either. My brain chemistry doesn't need anything extra to experience everything White Rabbit describes :)

Cheers Guys :)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Belief is a powerful thing.

It's the middle of the night again and I'm pondering all of life's ponderables.

Belief and what people can achieve simply by believing in something is pretty amazing (and scary in some cases).
Certainly all sorts of crimes against humanity can be laid at the feet of people who believe in certain religious or political tenets. The same can be said in the reverse, the various beliefs have saved numerous lives.

I'm all for people believing in something positive, be it faith or science or any other number of things. I think it enriches the world we live in. The more you find out about what other people believe the more amazing the world becomes.

Some situations will leave you gaping open mouthed, when you meet someone with beliefs that are contrary to your own. Keeping an open mind and remembering to ask why they believe something ought to lead to a grater understanding of humanity.

I've been guilty of being confounded by some beliefs. Some that are so foreign to my own that I've been left wondering how we could have grown up in the same world. High school Art History taught me to examine what was going on in the artists life while they were producing pieces of art. Uni taught me to apply it to peoples beliefs. What physical, emotional, political and religious stresses were active in an individuals life, to create the beliefs that they held? There are things that I have trouble wrapping my head around even keeping those things in mind.

I hate not being able to understand. I find it frustrating to the max! I like the world to be a + b = c, even if it's abheiosnd + jnadoifh = jklajdsfighlkanfvihewrn. It's when another culture applies a different set of mathematics that I'm stuck. I suppose simply because I've never been taught anything similar enough to be able to draw a comparison to my own life.

It's a bit like describing a colour to a blind man over the telephone when they speak a different language to yourself. Where do you begin?  Certainly given enough time you might be able to figure something out...but how many people have the time or patience for that?

I've also been confounded by beliefs that have come from a background very similar to my own, and been hurt by my lack of seeing misunderstandings before they happen. Hindsight is all very well, but it certainly doesn't dull the ache of a raw wound. Nor does hindsight necessarily enable the understanding when the system forming the basis of belief is so contrary to your own.

Hmmm, this post has degenerated from what started as a hopeful topic on the power of beliefs into a confused maze tackling the human psyche, and how frustrating I find it when the world doesn't follow along the lines that I've prescribed to it. Obviously my own beliefs fall short of being able to explain the whole world, and finding an answer to it is incredibly frustrating to me. When this happens I'm left wondering if anything that I believe is founded on anything solid...which is a shame because the belief that things will get better if I just hold on long enough, is the glue that keeps me together.

The world is a rich place even though there aren't answers to everything, and I can enjoy that most of the time. Having something to believe in is important, because it keeps you going day to day.
Understanding others beliefs is often frustrating, but rewarding when you manage it. 

Tonight I'm going to bed frustrated though.
Cheers Kate 

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Bonekickers is a fanciful archaeological drama being shown on ABC2 atm. This weeks episode is focused upon a discovered WWI tank that was buried after it's occupants had been shot and then burned.

One of the surviving crew wrote this in his diary -
"What does one do when hope dies,
Not when it is lost,

But when one actually sees hope burn before ones own eyes?
If hope is lost, it can always be found,
When its destroyed........ What then?"
(Bonekickers - The Lines of War : Tom MacRae)

Instead of sticking to what could have been just as good a story, they then proceeded to involve Jean d'Arc (which ties into the series theme of a lost sword with magical powers). Which turns a nice historical murder series into the "Passions" of it's genre, although without the humor which made Passions such a riot to watch.

Anyway, back to the quote...It started out just being the loss of hope by the soldiers and beseiged French, and was turned into a grasp for the mythological being that Jean is seen as. Which I think detracted from the simple power that the quote had. The message would have been more keenly felt if it had been applied to one or the other story line. Much the same way the message about the power of love was achieved in the episode Bonekickers -The Eternal Fire - Matthew Graham.

Taken as an escapist series, I suppose it does very little harm, although it would have every person in the history, archaeology and anthropological fields dancing up and down saying how unrealistic it is :) But how much of what is seen on the screen is based on reality?

The quote above reminds me of a few life changing moments, where at the time, life seemed to freeze and then fracture into a new reality. The moment that you've realised something that changes the way you've understood something about the world. One such moment for me was on a train between Paris and Calais. The sun was setting over snowy fields, with a pond off in the distance surrounded by silhouetted naked trees and two large birds descending to land...the light was so soft and misty, and the colours so unlike what we have here in Australia that I finally grokked the Expresionist painters. It all just fell into place for me. 

That is of course a positive expression of a life changing moment. I suppose a negative example of this same moment, would have to be something like when Nonna died. It was quite a shock for her to really die, even though I knew she'd been having mini-strokes for a while. Maria had called me to say Nonna was nearly dead and I drove back to Ballarat to say goodbye. Maria had just finished cleaning her body when I arrived, and I was closely followed by the rest of the family...we all sat around Nonna's dead body, saying I don't really remember what, then we decided it was time to go. As I walked out the door and into the hallway, I turned to Richard the Man and said "Well that's that then.". It was in that split second, I knew Nonna was gone, and that I'd never see her again. The shock of my world changing so forcefully was evident in my choice of was never going to be the same again.

"...What then?" 
The only thing that happens then, is that life matter what, the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west, and in between we do all the things that keep us alive. We find new things to dream of, and new things to inspire us...there will be more life changing moments both big and small. They say time heals all wounds, perhaps that's not quite the case, but that we change enough that the wounds no longer matter to us the way they once did?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

All conquering love


I just googled "All conquering love" to see what the internet had to say about it. On the first page there were three biblical references, one mystic's book on the topic, another mysterious book ad with no blurb, an ancient greek reference, a reference to a personality disorder, an article on a mother's love for her disabled child, one poetry board lamenting lost love, and two pessimistic forums wallowing in the fact that there is no such thing as true love.

That is a very sad state of affairs. Only one story of true love.
I'm sure the mystic and the Christian's believe that the love they have for their gods and fellow man is the same all conquering love, but how many of them would really put their lives on the line just to maintain that relationship?

Hmmm, not that I really believe that wanting to die for someone should be the test of true love. That would be rather pointless, the minute you find someone you truly care for, one or other of you would have to step in front of a bus to prove it...oh and don't forget to put clean underwear on before you do so, otherwise  your poor mother might die of embarrassment thinking that she didn't raise you properly.

What brought about this train of thought was another film I've just watched "Gods and Monsters" . Fairly wooden acting, but Brendan Fraser is generally pretty ordinary, however the theme of the movie was lovely. It came down to the love for an eccentric old gent who was determined to stir the possum, and hopefully provoke his own death. He did his best to dehumanise his friends, to twist them into monsters from his movies, so that he could escape the monsters of his past...yet it was the love that spared them that fate, and in the end it was also love that enabled him to take his own life...a life that ended with dignity and love, rather than hatred and the corruptness. So basically a story about love conquering all.

I know you're wondering how love conquered all if the old guy still topped himself? He'd lived a full life, and now that he was at the end of it all, he was suffering from almost daily strokes, and slowly his mind was being corrupted from within. So a fairly dignified death, whilst he still had his faculties, was surely the better option.

I was talking to Maria the other day about novels, and we were comparing fantasy and sci-fi to romance novels, saying that basically they are just a bit of fluff and nonsense...but that they still had a role to play in literature simply because they filled a certain need within the reader. Now, I ought to qualify that statement by also stating that I like reading all of those much as I do crime, mystery or historical novels...I even throw in the odd classic, just so that I can roll about laughing at how badly written the trash is that I normally read.  That being said, all of those novels are purely written so that you can escape into a wonderous life that is not your own.

You may be seeking a true love, or a puzzle to solve, a quest to turn you into a hero or heroine, or some other impossible thing to make your world seem less real. At least that's generally what I do when I read. I want a world to immerse myself into, I'm not all that fussed with how badly it's written, as long as the lead is someone that I want to be. I feel much the same about movies or even tv. Perhaps that's a problem? That I'm too busy escaping from this world that I don't see the wonders around me?

A recent sci-fi I read was "The Host", and the aliens who'd taken over Earth and inhabited human bodies, had removed the violence from the world. They showed bland television programs, because nothing ever happened, and everyone was nice to each other, sport was played so fairly that for every goal that one team scored the opposing team was also allowed to score one. There was no drama left to write or talk about, but there was also a lack of passion. The few Earthling's who remained in control of their bodies, found tv too boring to watch...and the aliens to inhuman to relate to. The book was about the juxtaposition between the gain of society being so peaceful against the loss of passions that made us human. Eventually the humans won in a alien who'd experienced the passion of a human who's mind would not be subdued, turned against her own kind opting to live as a human would.

I suppose that I am the alien, who choses to forgo the company of my own species, for that of a more exciting life in the make believe world. Perhaps I just feel so dead inside, that any opportunity to feel an extreme emotion, is like using electro shock panels upon my empty chest?

LOL, or perhaps I'm just a romantic, wanting to be swept off my feet and carried into a world more real than this one?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

House not a home (a very depressed and teary rant)

I'm sick of my house not being mine...there are so many things about it that irritate me. Some of which I should just get to and fix myself, but I would just like some company while I'm working.

Some of which irritate me because I just don't like what's been chosen before me, and I can't justify the extra cost of turning into something I actually like.

Then there are all the things that I would like my space to have, which I can't have...which drives me up the wall. Personally i think i'd be happier in a shed, because then I could do whatever i wanted to the place an no-one would care, or have an opinion. I could put a wood stove in the kitchen because it's all one level. I could have no walls, or curtains to divide the space up...or maybe just movable walls for when I want to adjust things. Basically I want a blank space to create what I want not what other people think i should have, or what would work for them. 

I'm a little fed up with working from other peoples plans. I want some help doing what I want, not always helping other people do what they want.

Right, I'm angry and teary now. I'm fed up being pushed and pulled into what other people want, friends and family alike. It's hardly any wonder that I don't want to talk to or interact with anyone, when I feel like there is nothing that I do which achieves anything that I want. "Go to bed, get up now. Live your live this way, live your life that way. Come here, go there. Fill in this form. Look this way. No, it has to be my way." I'm sick of hearing all of that. If I could be different then I wouldn't be living here. Do any of you ever think that perhaps this isn't how I want my life??? That perhaps I'm doing the best I can with the crap that I have??? Don't any of you realise that given a different brain or set of circumstances, i'd be a long long way from Ballarat, and actually doing things that I love, rather than stuck here with crap, and a brain that doesn't work well enough for me to actually achieve anything that I've always dreamed of???

It makes me so angry and sad, that this is all I can look forward to...and that day after day I have to get up and smile and pretend that I like this life. I don't! If I was given the option of giving up the use of my arms or legs, just so that my brain would work right I'd do it in a heart beat. Frankly suicide is the easier option, than going through the motions pretending that this half life is ok. Certainly it would upset people if I wasn't here, but they'd get over it. But don't worry I'm not going to do anything which anyone else would consider a stupid option...because I'm still bloody well trying to please all of you! A quality that I hate about myself right now.

So please excuse me if I decide not to talk to anyone, I'm depressed and I have a damn good reason.

All I want to improve this crap is a space that is mine, and has a few simple things that can be salvaged from my dreams from how my life should have been.

Kate :(

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I'm sick of sharing my house with interlopers.

All I want is to spend the next month or so without anyone sharing their opinion upon how I should live my life.

I don't want to feel obliged to talk to or feed anyone.

I don't want to listen to anyone whinge about how sick they feel.

If you're sick, go home to your mother because I don't want to know!

Oh and please don't tell me what I should watch or read...I'm old enough to make up my own mind!

As for telling me to go to bed...well you don't want to know where I want you to go!

Kate >:(

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Being Erica

Hai hai,

Being Erica is a lovely Canadian show about  thirty-five year old woman who's life is full of dead ends. She enters into a agreement to participate in a radical new therapy to help her get her life back on track. The twist is that she gets to re-live days in her life, and see what changes if she acts to change the original outcome. Some things are able to be changed, others can't, and she needs to learn how to take the most from every situation...and learn that everything has consequences. 

The series starts out with Erica writing down all of her regrets. Which Doctor Tom then makes her re-live...forcing her to chose the same or different outcomes, and then live with the consequences.

So the point of this post was to ask this question that I found on the Being Erica website: If you could go back in time to any point in your life, what point would that be? Why would you choose that moment, and what might you do differently?

I have a heap of things that I'd probably do differently back in childhood...most of which centre around how socially awkward I am with peers. I would like to try talking to Dr Ziggy, way back when I was first diagnosed with depression, and try to get a more stable lifestyle sorted early on.

If we skip forward to young adult, I'd skip a couple of boyfriends, but add in a couple of others earlier on. Oh, I'd make the most of knowing people from other schools. Hmmm, and if possible I'd have stayed at school in Hamilton. I'd go to uni and study part time rather than full time...and hopefully finish that course. I'd also organise visas and work for while I was travelling in Europe.

I'd ride my horse more often, and keep up with hockey.

I'd make the most of revealing clothing, and feel good about my hair and figure.

I'd take back hurtful remarks which were only said to blend in with the crowd.

I wouldn't be afraid of being different or strong.

I would explain that I wanted to go to brownies and ballet so that I could see friends outside of school hours, not because I wanted to actually do those activites. I'd ask if I could call friends on the phone instead of assuming I wasn't allowed to use it. I'd organise sleep overs.

I'd be up front about hating public speaking, and not submitting homework which I thought was a waste of time. I'd be more insistent about studying latin rather than crap subjects like geography.

I'd say that I played the piano everyday, rather than let Gilly take it and sell it.

I would make Nonno write down a recipe for strudel, instead of letting him make piles of this and that. I like to follow a guide, even if eventually I substitute ingredients.

I would tell Nonno how much I was adding to the nest egg he'd given me.

I wouldn't just roll my eyes and go into another room when Nonno was telling me what to do...but ask him why instead, and perhaps even tell him my own thoughts on the subjects. LOL, although this would probably have hastened his thoughts that I'd defected from him.

I think I'd like to have asked Polly, Nonna and Nonno about their lives when they were younger.

I would like to have taunted Richard a little less.

Ok, i'm stopping there because I've just had a mood swing...and I'm not feeling all that pleasant.

It's almost funny but for most of this post I've been feeling happy and strong thinking about all the things I'd do differently. Yet when it came to thinking about Richard standing forlornly at my bedroom stairs, I hate that I put him through that...yet at the time it gave me a smug sense of power, which is why I repeated that weekend after weekend.