Tuesday, 21. July 2009, 04:44:56
I'm single again. Things lasted about four months.
I'm going through the regret stage post-break up. On one hand are all the reasons we broke up, and on the other are all the things I liked about Wil. Obviously the break up reasons far out weigh the things I liked about Wil, otherwise we'd still be together. But it doesn't stop me from missing the things I did like. By far the best bit was when it was just the two of us at home in bed talking. When there was no influence from outside, just the two of us...it's a shame that during the waking hours so many other people had an impact upon what happened between us.
I've learnt not to listen to the hype, but to observe behaviour before putting my heart out there. Also to stick with my rule of thumb that you need to be out of a relationship as long as you were in one to have healed from the last break up. It also gives you enough time to truely see yourself and be comfortable about who you are independant of a partner.
I am glad that this relationship I had the courage to say all the things that bugged me, and to stand up for friends as well as myself. Certainly I said things that did not go down very well, but i'm proud of myself for not hiding behind being nice just to please someone else.
I worry that Wil will lead a sad and lonely life or resubject himself to abuse. I know that there is nothing I can do about it if that is what he choses for his life, but the part of me that liked Wil is greiving over his potential suffering. Certainly the way he's headed he'll cut off his friends and support, through behaviour that assumes that everyone is there to do his bidding, or manipulating people into doing whatever achieves his twisted goals. He's willing to treat everyone like dirt as long as he gets what he wants. Hiding the truth from people if he thinks they may object to what he's up to.
That sounds awful and harsh to say about someone without giving the reasons for their behaviour. Wil has three main motivations. The first is to secure access to the little girl he's raised as his daughter. The second is to remain as independant as possible for as long as he can manage (even if it means lying about what he can realistically achieve on his own). The third is to never be alone (he's quite terrified that no-one will want him). Certainly all justifiable reasons, and ones that the average Joe will sympathise with...but not when you watch unscrupulous means to which he'll stoop to achive his goals. The amount of people he's willing to hurt and step on...people who he called friends, supporters and loved ones. No-one is safe from his unjust treatment.
Certainly there are only so many times you can justify his behaviour...of course to say anything to him, it's taken as an attack and betrayal. But to boot lick is to squash any self respect that you have for yourself, let alone a betrayal of common courtesy and respect for others.
Anyway, I stood up for myself and some of the others that were being trodden on by him, which went hand in hand with me leaving my door key and parting with the words that he'll never hear from me again. Which of course I regret as I desperately want to know how he's fairing, and if he's learnt anything from the experience. I can't even ask friends since he's cut them off too. So I sit here blogging about it all, with an odd tear rolling down my cheek. I almost wish I could be angry, as then I could wipe my hands of the whole affair, and say he deserves all the misery he's about to reap. Basically I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...apart from Cheryl who I don't think I'll ever totally forgive, which is of course a seperate issue .
So I guess I'll just fill the next four odd months laughing with and enjoying friends...then if anyone comes into my sphere that could be potentially interesting I'll run down my checklist of what is appropriate in a partner before I get involved