Thursday, 2. August 2007, 01:48:36
I've over done it this week. Well and truely gone over my 20hr limit of contact with others.
The result is that i'm blue and teary. Eating comfort food, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's been nice having so much company...filling in and doing extra work and all. I wish that I could keep up that level of comittment.
It's hard to even keep a conversation going. I've tried sugar to give me an instant pick up...you know a sugar buzz, but for me it'd just lift me up to normal. Just like a sugar buzz, it only lasts five minutes.
Death and drug use has been an issue today. A girl came into the shop and told us about her brother's funeral, and the tragic circumstances of his death. He had started using heroin again, and as she said every time someone uses they take the risk of ODing...so it may as well be a suicide attempt in the eyes of the family who love the user.
The raw grief was upsetting. Hearing of a family in that much pain. Hearing of the children and other survivors coming to terms with a missing member.
It also shoved in my face the risks BJ took every time she used...that and the fact it's so easy to fall back into using. As if there isn't enough troubles in her family and friends lives, without her leaping back into that lifestyle. She's in her mid thirty's, and while she's not irresponsible all the time, she's certainly not all that reseponsible.
I know I can't talk much, but at least i'm more aware of those around me.
I also feel shitty with her, and all the other substance abusors. I could be just like them. I could choose the easy way out and abuse various things...but I don't. I make a conscious choice not to...so why can't they? Can't they see the easy way out isn't really easy? That it's just as painful, but more hurtful to those that care about them? That by using they are removing the chance of finding an option that will really change their lives for the better.
Anyway, i'm not really contributing to the world tonight...just getting crankier.
I hope you're having a better day.