Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Does it count as a brain fart, if can feel synapses firing, but not reach the accompanying thought?
I'm in a mixed episode at the minute, which means that I'm cycling through hypomania and depression almost on a daily basis...and only sleeping every other day. Which in some ways is terrific, but in other ways truly sucks.
Excitment plus! Kelly's shop is opening on Thursday, so i've been lending a hand when i'm in the same world as her :) Even Trick lent a hand this evening with the change room construction. I've got to do a few little bit's to finish off, so I'll be off down to the shed to rustle up some tools and parts. I've been thinking about a use for Peter's offcut triangles. Ill run it by Kel tomorrow.
I've also been pottering in the garden. Maria and I bought a black current, some pineapple sage, some flowers and hanging baskets. Oh and a couple of bushes to go under Trick's window, which is a very difficult spot since it faces north-west and is in shade till the last blast of hot sun in the afternoon. We've gone with some natives even though I'm generally not a huge fan. I suppose I ought to qualify that by saying that since I'm an '80's child, I saw the mass planting of hideous unkempt planting of native plants...which quite put me off natives unless they are in a native setting of 'the bush'. Besides which I'd been attempting a traditional cottage garden feel in the front yard...although I have used some non-cottage garden plants through out it. LOL, for example the olive tree between the mailbox and driveway (Cheers for the housewarming tree Kelly).
Well since I'm fairly tired I think i'll go to bed in a sec...which is pretty amazing since i slept last night.
So Cheerio till next time,
Monday, October 26, 2009
Well I did it! Blog transfered.
Although it is missing all it's lovely colour changes that the original had, and it isn't timestamped correctly, but if you read each entry you ought to find a date under the heading somewhere.
Now I think i'll fiddle about and see if I can alter some of the settings so that it's all a bit easier to read and navigate...but i'm not sure my geek abilities will rise to the challenge, since i'm not terribly geeky after all.
I hope to see you all soon,
Sunday, 25. October 2009, 21:14:11
Well here I am again.
Here's a funny story for you all around 4am last night I hear Trick arrive home from being out with his mates, and could hear the ute running in the drive for ages. At first I though he must be backing the trailer into the drive, but it was taking ages, then I figured that Ricky must have been giving Trick a hand an mussing it up for him...but still the ute kept running. Then I thought that Trick must just be sitting out there having a gas bag with Ricky. Concerned that he'd wake the neighbours revving his engine occasionally, I thought I'd go out and give them the hurry up. I turn the outside lights on, and wander out. I see Trick looking dead behind the wheel, as if he's had a heart-attack and died just as he's finished parking. I wander over and knock on the window, he looks up drool running from his mouth down his chin, in horror that i'm standing beside the ute. I burst out laughing, and slowly he comes around from the deep sleep he was in, and realizes where he is and what he'd been doing. Eventually he pulls himself together and gets out explaining that he'd been so cold he thought he'd just sit in the ute for a while when he got home to warm up. It had been just over 30 mins since he first got home.
LOL, silly bugger, should have come home earlier than 4am, and then he wounldn't have been so tired and cold.
Now, I think yesterday I mentioned that I've swung back down out of Hypomania. It's got me remembering all sorts of things that tug at my heart strings. Like the Honour Rolls from the Hamilton Town Hall. Tonight I've got a song i my head. I've included it and it's lyrics down below. It's not actually the song itself that is stuck in my head, but rather the memory it evokes. About a year or so ago my friend Simon came over and we watched a movie called Camp. It was a teen flick, about a musical theatrical summer camp. Think High School Musical, only a lot gayer (which was lots of fun). There is one scene where a jock tries out for a lead part, everyone assumes that he won't have much talent because he's a jock...but it turns out he's got the rock vibe working for him. He sings a laid back folk version of this song (quite like the Sunday's version below), it basically exposes his softer side which everyone assumed he didn't have.
Anyway, it's this moment in the film that I'm remembering. So, where I'm at at the minute is reflecting up on my whole tough guy with a vulnerability who is willing to risk it all by letting the world know exactly what he's feeling and what he wants most in the world. Carpe Diem and all that. It's the same theme that keeps being dragged up, by fascination with gay kisses in movies. *sigh* It's all very well me wishing to meet some person who's willing to do that to be with me...but what exactly am I willing to give up for them? I don't exactly have a lot to give up, but the things I do have I hang onto very tightly. My family, and house, and the couple of good friends that I couldn't get by without. Would I be willing to give any of those things up for someone, who may walk out on me if something better came along? I don't think so...but am I cheating myself out of something amazing just by saying that?
OH, that's just reminded me about another topic I wanted to discuss. Is it a big deal for you telling someone that you love them? For me it just flows of the tongue. It's a gift I want to share, not hold back from anyone. So anyway, this week on tellie, I was watching Being Erica...and part of the theme was when is it right to say you love someone. It seemed like such a big deal, and then also not have it returned. Do you think it's an American theme, that Aussies just don't have (like the whole dating vs seeing someone)? Perhaps I'm missing the point of the whole "I Love You."...I mean there have been a few partners that I've had where I've thought "I could grow old with you", but perhaps I ought to be holding back my "I love you" till I meet the person who I couldn't imagine my life continuing without? Instead I've been offering up my "I love you." to everyone who I feel is part of my family. Which isn't a lie, I do love them, as much as I do my friends and family.
Meh, it's all far to confusing for my poor brain. LOL, and it's not even pertinent right at this moment in time, since I'm single and not even interested in anyone ATM.
If you've got any thoughts on the subject let me know please!
Cheers, and please enjoy the music.
Wild Horses written by The Rolling Stones (although I prefer this version by the Sundays)
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I cant let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Lets do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day
Saturday, 24. October 2009, 05:33:51
Bipolar sucks the big one. After having a couple of weeks up in hypomanic world, I have the soul crushing crash. Where I wake up wishing I was dead, and every other thought during the day is how the hell do I get through this again! By about mid-afternoon, I can smile again and at least feign interest in what's going on around me. Although of course I feel guilty about letting down the people around me, shed the odd tear over it all, and try to pull myself back together.
Anyway enough about that. Joy of joys, yesterday Ronnie got into the compost again, and something has badly affected his digestive system. I came home from shopping to a flood of runny poo all over the kitchen floor. Between gagging and having to step over said mess to let fresh air into the room, Ronnie was cowering in his box and needed to be encouraged to leave the room. It was all mopped up quick enough since it was liquid, but the poor dog is still feeling miserable. So miserable that he barely touched his dinner, and when I locked him out to go to the loo, he went and huddled in his doghouse. After calling him to come back inside, and having no luck enticing him, I decide to take his jacket out to him and leave him in his yard for the night. That way at least if he desperately needed to evacuate his bowels, the flood would at least not require immediate fumigation of the whole house.
I remember at the school fete in Hamilton, the grade sixers would run a wheel of fortune. You'd pay ten or twenty cents to have a spin, and were awarded a luckydip prize, some lollies, or if you're really lucky a big prize depending upon what you landed on. The wheel was always situated on the stage of the town hall, and you'd have to climb up the stairs that were overlooked by the Honour Roll's from the Great War's. The polished timber columns and the shiny gold lettering always fascinated me. I thought they'd have to have been pretty special men to have their names put up like that for all of Hamilton to see. The fete was the highlight of the school year for me, a day filled with lollies, toys, cake, and the best bit of all was that Nonna would come and see me during school. One year I bought her a geranium that was so pale that the pink of it's petals was almost white. It was well worth forgoing the forty cents worth of lollies to buy Nonna the first gift I'd bought on my own. I can almost feel Nonna's hands on my face as she cupped my cheeks to lift my face to hers as she thanked me. lol, I'm getting all teary and sentimental thinking about how much we loved each other...peas in a pod just a couple of generations apart.
Anyway, I'm well and truly sidetracked. I started out telling you about the wheel of fortune because life is like that wheel in so many ways. Partly because you had to risk ridicule by climbing the stairs in front of not just the school but every extended member of the schools family. To me it felt like the whole of Hamilton was there (I had a habit of making a fool of myself in front of the school, like picking baby Jesus up by the leg and trusting him at Joseph as it was announced that I'd given birth to the saviour of mankind. All because I was shitty that they hadn't procured a real donkey for me to ride into Bethlehem. Resulting in the parents and older grades rolling around laughing at me...as you can see I don't tend to do things by halves). Secondly you have to hand over some precious money which you could use to buy exactly what you want, but you chose to risk not knowing what you'll get. Thirdly, you spin that wheel hoping against the odds that the number it lands on is what you want, the wheel spins and spins making you dizzy as watch the numbers cycle up and down and your hopes whiz up and down with them. Finally your number comes up, and me being me never winning any big prizes in my life, I get one of the lesser prizes, which although I'm disappointed I open my luckydip, and find something wonderful inside. LOL, my favourite prize was a suction cup frog on a spring, that when you stuck it down and the suction eventually let go the frog would fly through the air. I think I was in grade one or two when I won that.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that in life we put ourselves up for ridicule, and hand over things that are precious to us, to watch our hopes and dreams fly by, experiencing emotional highs and lows, sometimes we're lucky, but no matter what we get some reward, and it's what me make of those rewards that enriches our lives. So I'll take my plastic frog, which many people would call trash, and enjoy the hell out of it, purely because it's just what I wanted and needed after all.
Here's a song that expresses it all wonderfully.
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)
words and music by Eric Idle
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
Thursday, 22. October 2009, 23:05:50
Well it seems that i'm back to not sleeping. I'm averaging a night's sleep every other day, and let me tell you Maurice is not happy about it! The second I do go to bed, he's there digging at the covers so I can let him in...anyone would think that it's the cat's right to have a warm person to control the covers and heat the bed just for them. Not only that I must have my keyboard set a million miles away from me on the desk, since there has also got to be enough room in front of me that he can sleep curled in my arms. Oh, and please provide the drinking water from the rainwater tank outside, in a nice clean glass that is wide enough for whiskers not to get too squashed as I drink, replacing it regularly since cats don't like any dust on the surface.
As much as I complain about the little blighter, I really wouldn't deny him any of those things as life would be that much emptier without him. The look of joy on his little face when I garden with him (which in actual fact just entails me weeding, or planting and him rolling around in pea straw, with the occasional pause for him to kill me) brings much pleasure to me. He's my chicken, and my besom, and occasionally my mickey mouse, he brings a smile to my heart when no-one else can.
Poor old Ronnie on the other hand gets no such sentiment from me. He's nice enough, and adores me though I can't think why. He just irritates the shit out of me most of the time, I'm sure it's just our mis-matching temperaments and the fact he has no concept of personal space, which I suppose is a dog thing. He does have a couple of nicknames; Ronnie Dog (said as if you're were announcing superman), and Slober-dog Milosovitch (which Maria always says is mean as i'm referring to him as if he was a genocidal manic). I'm also pretty sure he reckons "phwoar, get out you stinky dog!" is one of his nicknames, since he hears it often enough whenever he enters the room farting.
Well i'm off to do some facebooking, lots of silly quizes to do and games to play. Lord only knows what i'd do without the internet to provide me with days and days of distracting when i'm not sleeping. I have a feeling that i'm going to crash pretty hard when this jag of no sleep is over...at least so far my spending is still undercontrol, and there is no real extremes in mood (just the odd bout of insane happiness). I've got a day of work tomorrow, keeping people with guns safe, so I ought to get some sleep in readiness for them.
Another great night :)
Sunday, 18. October 2009, 03:37:16
Not a long post tonight, party was great. Good friends, good laughs, and a few cocktails, what more could I ask for?
I did the whole cupcake thing, coral and jade was my inspiration, although there was not a lot to be seen. Here's a pic of some party food and the cocktails are Absinthe Suissesse.
Saturday, 17. October 2009, 01:50:27
Yesterday was my 35th birthday, which was fairly low key...Maria, Peter, Trick, Raphy and Millie were over in front of Maria's fire. We had terrific fish and chips, followed by Maria's fantastic chocolate ripple orange cake! YUM-O!
Poor old Raphy thought Trick was ready to help him out of the truck, and launched himself into the air...Rich wasn't ready and so after sailing through the air Raph landed nose first on the gravel. Poor little blighter.
Although yesterday was good, I had an even better day today. Kelly rang to wish me happy birthday, and invite me out for a cuppa. She was also going to have a business meeting with two crafty girls who she'd met through blogs. All to do with acquiring stock for her new shop. I can't believe how fun and groovy it's going to be (actually I can believe it since Kelly is a fun groovy gal
Anyway, I think I arrived around 1.30pm, and we all got chatting about creative stuff (lol, I'm still to excited to even tell you about all the stuff we talked about!), it ended up that we were still chatting just after 6pm! LOL, I LOVE days like today, just one big gas bag with good people.
I headed home eventually because I'd told Kelly I could only stay a little while as I was cleaning my house for the Party tomorrow night. Now it's 3am, and the house is almost spotless (just my room to clean), and I'm almost ready to do more cupcakes. I also love being slightly hypomanic...I can do so much, with so little sleep! I'll make hamburgers tomorrow (with vege's in them for something a bit different). Get my salad together, then I ought to be able to settle back with a cocktail or two.
OMG, I just realised that today was friday and I've already been paid. Ooops. I could have gone shopping on my way home for various bits and pieces. Meh, it's all good. Hypomania is excellent this time around, I'm just happy go lucky and nothing can phase me Except perhaps this keyboard...I while back I spilt some pommegranate juice on it, and the key's have stuck ever since, even though I pulled the keys off and cleaned under them.
Oh I started a story last week, it's about an airman from World War II who is part of a trial therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Shell Shock), and a manic depressive woman who resides on the hospital grounds. Who knows I might actually finish this one. I've determinedly not thought about the story unless I'm sitting at the computer because I always chop and change the storyline if i just day-dream about it. Basically it's a story about coming to terms with life and death, and making the most of what's available to you at the time.
LOL, anyway this is off topic as per usual for me
P.S. YAY! I love birthdays and great friends! YAY YAY YAY, I'm very happy!
Sunday, 2. August 2009, 20:37:12
So I'm definitely single. I feel fine about it too. Not F.I.N.E. :Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional...just happy and ok about it. lol, although I'll have to break the news to his sister. Then I'll ring Kelly.
So here are the two emails that have been sent to each other about this today.
On Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:13:14 +1000, Wil Hobbs
I was not alone last night so sorry about not replying until now. The fact is also, I've been thinking about our relationship prospects and have decided, for both of our sakes it actually makes more sense if we remain as friends. I think I value your friendship maybe more-so than a relationship with you at this point in time. I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I know that this may sound like an idiots idea but, I feel I want to attempt another opportunity with my wife.
I want you to please understand this and I hope you accept it because I value your friendship.
Your family members also have nothing to fear from this. I quite like your family and would definitely not do anything to jeopardise them.
Sorry I couldn't make it last night or tonight but please let's stay friends? We can still go out as friends for coffee, tea, the movies or whatever.
I had a feeling that's what you were thinking.
Has Chris expressed any interest in coming back? It seems from what you've told me that she wants to date other guys, and that she isn't interested in giving up her lease on the house (which can be done very easily, all she needs do is tell the agent and continue paying rent until they find someone else to take over the lease). Also why would Chris be encouraging you to get back together with me if she wanted to come back?
I do understand you wanting to try again...everyone goes through a stage of "what if?" and the fact that things seems so much better once you've had time apart. The thing to think about is if both of you have changed enough that the same problems don't reoccur once you start living together again.
*smile* besides which this is really your first experience of having lived with a partner, and it's hard to figure out when to stop trying, as you've pinned all your hopes on this person being the person you'll spend your life with. Personally I don't believe that the two of you have a future together, apart from the time spent raising Noni. But i'm not knocking you for wanting to try. Make sure that you look after Noni and yourself and not stand for either of you being mistreated.
I'd prefer not to be friends whilst Chris is on the scene...it'll only make things awkward and difficult. If on the other hand you don't end up together, i'd like you to wait about six months before approaching me as a friend. It'll give you time to sort through all your feelings about Chris, and even how you feel about me.
I know that you might be thinking that I think you're an idiot, but the truth is, I think it's an experience that you have to go through to learn about relationships. I'm sad about losing this opportunity to be with you, and worry that you'll be hurt...but I can't do anything about the decisions that you want to make for yourself. Besides the choices you make now, are things that you have to live with. Remember that there are a lot more than two people that are effected by your decisions. You'll still have to deal with all the people that do think you're an idiot, and all the people who don't want to be involved with Chris. You'll also lose a lot of friends, some of whom you've already burnt bridges with. It's hard to keep those things in mind, when you're sorting through following your heart...You reach the other side of a break up and realise that you've lost more than one relationship. You can end up feeling more alone than when you started out. Trust me on that one, at one point i seriously lost all my friends over the break up with one guy, and it's the friends I missed more than anything.
You might think that I sound jaded by relationships, but the truth is I'm willing to put my heart out there again...except that I expect my partner to respect me, my family and my friends, and be responsible for thier own actions. If they can't do that then I don't want them in my life, no matter how much I may feel I love them, because at the end of it all it's those relationships that add up to a happy life, not the fact that I love a single person.
Anyway, I wish you all the best Remember that if things don't work out the way you hope, you can look me up down the track, as I do still care.
And that's that.
Saturday, 1. August 2009, 20:05:27
*sigh* What can I say? I'm considering taking Wil back if he apologises to everyone.
He admitted he's an idiot to me, but he's not quite ready to appologise to everyone else he's hurt.
I'm trying to guess all the alternative reasons he want's to get back together with me (apart from me being fantastic).
1. His ex-wife want's us back together so she can leave Noni with Wil for the weekend, so she can go out.
2. The ex doesn't want him back.
3. His family is still talking to me.
4. He's realised that he's lonely now that he's not going to school or work.
5. He wants someone to have sex with.
I could go on and on with reasons like those.
I told him that I'm going to take things slowly, that I want to be sure that he isn't going to treat me, my family or friends with the same disregard as he did everyone last month. I've also asked him to man up and apologise and admit that he could have been more upfront about the issues he was feeling, and therefore worked out a resolution rather than rudely cutting everyone off and then accusing them of stuff they didn't do.
Anyway, I turned down sex with Wil, until I feel more secure about where we stand. That was last night, and today I invited him over for tea tomorrow. His reply was "I think chris & noni r coming over 4 tea. Thanks 4 the offer but i will have 2 decline."...I know Chris said earlier in the week that she *might* come over with Noni on the weekend. So Is Wil ditching me for something that might not even happen? Is he doing that because I turned down sex? So my mind is working overtime. It certainly seems a lot cooler towards me, than he was the other night. I'd feel differently if he's said tomorrow was out, but that he'd like me to visit tonight. At least showing some interest...but then maybe he's giving me space to figure out whether to trust him again or not? lol, so as I said before my mind is working overtime.
I feel bit like I'm dating a 19yr old. As if he hasn't matured enough to have an adult relationship where you can work things out, rather than chuck a hissy fit and storm out whilst blaming everyone but yourself for the problems in the first place. *sigh*
So that's the latest update.
Wednesday, 29. July 2009, 00:30:12
The last couple of days Wil's youngest sister has been texting me, trying to find out more about what happened between Wil and I. Which is fine because Wil's family is nice. But I've also had a text and a couple of odd emails from Wil himself, the result being that I told his sister that he could be depressed and that if i thought he was capable of it, the text he sent me on the phone could have been a suicide note. So tomorrow Wil's mum is coming to see him, hopefully to talk some sense into him, and generally just to check up on him.
I want to have a chat to her about how Wil is hassling Kelly over stuff she hasn't done (probably because he's been hassled himself). She sure as hell doesn't deserve it after all she did for Wil, besides which she has a strong moral code which she lives by, and the things he's accusing her of are totally unsubstantiable.
I hope Wil's mum can get through to him, if for nobodies sake but his own.
On a side note, Ronnie has been really ill the last few weeks, and has had multiple visits to the vet. He has a contact allergy to something in my backyard, and a mighty feirce ulcer on his left eyeball. The upshot of this is that he needs surgery on his eye (hopefully just under a local anaesthetic). Basically what they'll do is scrub the dead tissue out of the ulcer down to living tissue, then scratch that up a bit and hopefully that will stimulate his eye to heal. So far i've been cleaning and putting a variety of drops in it, and all it's done is reduce the inflamation, without actually helping heal the ruddy great hole in his eye...which is why the surgery is needed. If this doesn't work, then they'll pull a bit of eyelid (I think?) down and sew it over the hole, which will then supply the bloodflow which is needed to heal the hole...leaving him with a patch of eyelid on his eyeball forever. Weird huh? Trick can't handle anything to do with eyes since he nearly lost an eye in an accident, so I can't even tell him all the gory details.
Anyway, i'm off to bed (I know it's early for me!) just so I can be up nice and early to get Ronnie to the vet on time.
Tuesday, 21. July 2009, 04:44:56
I'm single again. Things lasted about four months.
I'm going through the regret stage post-break up. On one hand are all the reasons we broke up, and on the other are all the things I liked about Wil. Obviously the break up reasons far out weigh the things I liked about Wil, otherwise we'd still be together. But it doesn't stop me from missing the things I did like. By far the best bit was when it was just the two of us at home in bed talking. When there was no influence from outside, just the two of us...it's a shame that during the waking hours so many other people had an impact upon what happened between us.
I've learnt not to listen to the hype, but to observe behaviour before putting my heart out there. Also to stick with my rule of thumb that you need to be out of a relationship as long as you were in one to have healed from the last break up. It also gives you enough time to truely see yourself and be comfortable about who you are independant of a partner.
I am glad that this relationship I had the courage to say all the things that bugged me, and to stand up for friends as well as myself. Certainly I said things that did not go down very well, but i'm proud of myself for not hiding behind being nice just to please someone else.
I worry that Wil will lead a sad and lonely life or resubject himself to abuse. I know that there is nothing I can do about it if that is what he choses for his life, but the part of me that liked Wil is greiving over his potential suffering. Certainly the way he's headed he'll cut off his friends and support, through behaviour that assumes that everyone is there to do his bidding, or manipulating people into doing whatever achieves his twisted goals. He's willing to treat everyone like dirt as long as he gets what he wants. Hiding the truth from people if he thinks they may object to what he's up to.
That sounds awful and harsh to say about someone without giving the reasons for their behaviour. Wil has three main motivations. The first is to secure access to the little girl he's raised as his daughter. The second is to remain as independant as possible for as long as he can manage (even if it means lying about what he can realistically achieve on his own). The third is to never be alone (he's quite terrified that no-one will want him). Certainly all justifiable reasons, and ones that the average Joe will sympathise with...but not when you watch unscrupulous means to which he'll stoop to achive his goals. The amount of people he's willing to hurt and step on...people who he called friends, supporters and loved ones. No-one is safe from his unjust treatment.
Certainly there are only so many times you can justify his behaviour...of course to say anything to him, it's taken as an attack and betrayal. But to boot lick is to squash any self respect that you have for yourself, let alone a betrayal of common courtesy and respect for others.
Anyway, I stood up for myself and some of the others that were being trodden on by him, which went hand in hand with me leaving my door key and parting with the words that he'll never hear from me again. Which of course I regret as I desperately want to know how he's fairing, and if he's learnt anything from the experience. I can't even ask friends since he's cut them off too. So I sit here blogging about it all, with an odd tear rolling down my cheek. I almost wish I could be angry, as then I could wipe my hands of the whole affair, and say he deserves all the misery he's about to reap. Basically I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...apart from Cheryl who I don't think I'll ever totally forgive, which is of course a seperate issue .
So I guess I'll just fill the next four odd months laughing with and enjoying friends...then if anyone comes into my sphere that could be potentially interesting I'll run down my checklist of what is appropriate in a partner before I get involved
Friday, 1. May 2009, 16:59:55
Well for all of you who've ever been in a relationship, you'll know the balance of spending time together and time apart is often dependant upon what is easiest to do. At the minute it is certainly easy to spend every waking minute in Wil's company. Although it's certainly not so easy to achieve all the things that require a concentrated effort on my behalf...such as housework and other social responsibilites. As is understandable in any honeymoon phase of a relationship.
It's also a bit of a bugger for me as I've never been in a relationship where I haven't been the one inviting the guy over to my house and eventually move in. I'm finding out for the first time how much it sucks being split between houses. I have to take clothes with me, and anything else I may need whilst i'm away from home, and also lug myself back and forward to care for my animals, house and garden. Now perhaps if i was just living in a normal rental I'd ditch the lease and move in with Wil...but i'm not, i'm meant to be working on this house. Proving that i'm capable and responsible enough to handle a house and mortgage. Which would be fine if it was as easy as asking Wil to move in here...but the house is not set up for a wheelchair and i've just got a brother as a roomie. Besides that I've also said I'll take things slowly, so Wil can learn the good and bad bits before we live together, and last but not least is Wil's daughter Noni. He hasn't even had a real access visit since we've been together, so who knows how that dynamic will work?
So split between two houses I remain and it looks like it'll stay that way for the time being. I'm whisked this way and that as is demanded of me, and it's not exactly easy...I try to keep sane and stable. Buggered if I know how people do it
Friday, 3. April 2009, 14:37:16
Well since i last wrote a heap of new stuff has happened.
I'm in a new relationship. It's complicated. My head said I shouldn't rush into it. Wil is fresh out of a marriage (I know rebound relationships rarely work.) He's also has Friedreich's Ataxia which means that he's in a wheelchair, is blind, has hearing problems, heart problems and a life expectancy of 35-60...but considering he's already had two heart attacks he reckons he's got until 42 at most. Wil is a year younger than me, so is about to turn 34.
Wil also has a daughter which may or may not be his, who he is desperate to have as much custody as possible of. His ex-wife was/is abusive physically and emotionally towards both Wil and Noni. She actually drugged the pair of them so she could go out with other men. Flies off the handle and beats Noni...and Wil being unable to get out of bed unassisted could do nothing about it. The emotional abuse left Wil feeling so powerless he couldn't even tell other's about it until Chris left him. OK, so there you have a brief glimpse of Wil's life, and I arrived on the scene as their marriage was falling apart and Wil's friends were trying to help him walk away with as much dignity and support as possible. Every five minutes or so someone would come forward and talk about Chris's bad behavoiur towards him and Noni, and I was the only person so uninvolved with his life to that date to be able to distract him from the pain of all these revelations.
After a while of just hanging out, and flirting (since Wil can't help but to flirt with everyone he meets)...and a number of nights just sitting on his bed talking about random stuff as a distraction to lying awake dwelling on things. Wil made his move on me (apparently he'd been interested in me for about month or so...but me being me didn't notice, and hadn't realised how much i liked him until that afternoon). Three weeks later and I feel it if i'm not around him, I think of him constantly...and the sex is unbeliveable.
So last night Chris invited Wil over to visit Noni (which she'd been denying Wil until then)...after a bit of haggling, we negotiated terms where Chris was meant to stay 5 metres away, and i had to stay out by the car...which ultimately she broke. She ended up convincing Wil that they ought to be friends for Noni's sake (which technically i agree would be ideal...although how to reconcile the past abuses with friendship I can not conceive) and had her arms wrapped around him. I don't know if i'm jealous, afraid or what. I'm scared she's manipulating Wil, so that all police charges will be dropped, or that she's trying to manouver Wil into paying for more of her excesses, or what? The truth is I just plain don't trust her to be straight about anything. Wil tried to reassure me that he'll never get back together with Chris (which i belive)...but it doesn't reassure me that he won't be continually taken as a sap by her. She's already negotiated with Wil that he should visit Noni tonight with a carer rather than me at his side (which i can understand since i'm the replacement girlfriend)...but the carers are paid to stay right out of personal issues and will hardly stand up and fight for Wil's rights.
I feel sick and tense...on tenter hooks...waiting for the next scene to play out. To see what part i'll actually have to play, or if i'll be pushed out into the cold by a manipulation by Chris. I'm hating myself for letting myself fall for Wil, when my head said "NO!"
Anyway...that's where i stand today...who know's about tomorrow.
Sunday, 11. January 2009, 16:49:25
Well the new year is here and I've done too much already
I've been away for half a week, comforted a broken marriage, had guests, and missed a killer birthday party And it's only the 11th of Jan!
I've started a diet and tried to make things as easy as possible as I gained heaps of weight over chrissy. And I want to be trim enough that I don't kill a horse when I go riding. So far I only broke it when I was holidaying! And jumped straight back on the wagon as soon as I got home. Well done me
I'm absolutely knackered! The last two days I've slept until 5pm, or if i've gotten up earlier I've needed a 3 hour nap just to get through the day...which is of course why I missed the party, as I no longer knew what day it was Sorry Zak!
Well I need to go out and buy food (I haven't bought any since christmas...and the fridge is finally bare).
So see you all round like a rissole!
Wednesday, 12. November 2008, 01:51:08
I found this on another reader's blog and thought it was a nice snapshot. So here are my answers...
Snuck out of the house:
No need to, I was always able to come and go as I pleased and now there is no need as I live on my own
Gotten lost in your city:
No, I have a very good sense of direction, and have trouble getting lost even if I try...although Venice in winter threw me. Too many streets that didn't travel in a straight line, and no sun to get my bearings.
Saw a shooting star:
Heaps of times...good thing about not living in town you get to see more stuff in the sky.
Been out of the U.S.:
Never been to the U.S. I have been out of Australia twice, both times to Europe and the U.K.
Cosmetic - No
Health - Yes, gall bladder removal and back surgery.
Gone out in public in your:
Bra...Also wandered naked past a window the neighbours could see into whilst they were having a dinner party.
Kissed a stranger:
Hugged a stranger:
Been in a fist fight:
Does a sibling fight count? All body blows.
Bitten your toenails:
Given yourself a haircut:
Yes numerous times...also died hair blue and purple heaps.
Medical - Yes
Any other - Yes
Broken something that wasn't yours:
Laughed and had your drink (or food) come out of your nose:
Pushed all the buttons on the elevator... past the age of 12:
Made out in an elevator:
Had sex or sexual contact in an elevator:
Seen a ghost:
Swore at your parents:
Kicked a guy in the crotch:
No...however i did have my brother by the balls tugging downwards as he banged my head in a headlock into a brick wall.
Been in love:
Yes, a few times.
Been engaged or married:
Been to a casino:
Yes...however i prefer to keep my money in my wallet, and just pick a number on the roulette wheel and then cheer like crazy when it comes up.
No, I've no inclination to jump out of or off anything in particular.
Been bungee jumping:
Went potty outside:
Broken a bone:
Finger, toe, tailbone.
Given someone a bruise:
Yes...swimming in the surf naked is very liberating.
Been to a therapist/Counselor:
Done the splits:
Played a kissing game:
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one sitting:
No, what a waste of milk. Water is far more thirst quenching.
Been to Niagara Falls:
Gotten the chicken pox:
Yes... 2 times.
Kissed someone of the opposite sex:
Kissed someone of the same sex:
Crashed into a friend's car:
Owned your own car:
Ridden on public transportation (bus, taxi, subway):
Yes...a $2 ring
Been caught shoplifting:
Walked out on a job:
Kind of...walked out after blowing a fuse and came back again when i'd calmed down again (family buisness makes it a little easier to do that).
Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex:
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back:
Dated someone you knew had stronger feelings for you than you had for them:
Stolen something from your job:
Gone on a blind date:
Kind of...made a date with someone without seeing them first count?
Lied to a friend:
Had a crush on a teacher while you were still in school:
Yes, at Uni
Been to the Mardi Gras festival in New Orleans:
Slept with a co-worker:
No, and never will.
Seen someone die:
Only furry people.
Driven over 400 miles in one day:
Been on an airplane:
Been on a train:
Been on a Greyhound (or the like) bus:
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (not the movie!):
Thrown up in a bar bathroom:
Played with fire on some part of your body:
Been skiing or snowboarding:
Met someone on the Internet... in person.:
Been in a mosh pit:
Did you like the quiz? Feel free to copy it and fill it in yourself.
Wednesday, 12. November 2008, 00:55:37
For the Fallen Laurence Binyon (Originally published in The Times on 21 September 1914.)
With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.
Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.
They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
They mingle not with laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam.
But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;
As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.
Lest We Forget, We will Remember Them.
For all of you who may have attended a Rememberance Day service in a Commonwealth Nation, you probably recognise the third and forth stanzas. Certainly down here in Aus, you'll hear them at the end of every service, and accompanied by the added last line in black, in which we all join the refrain.
This year's Rememberance day is the 90th anniversary of the end of the First World War. It was the war to end all wars...it's a shame that we couldn't make that statement truth. Although this poem talks about fallen English men, it's an important part of current day services that we remember all who've fallen in wars. The great price that we have paid as humans, and to bring to the fore the need for us all to strive to live peacefully with one another, so that no more people fall to needless violence.
To remember all those who's lives have been affected by the losses of war we wear poppies. The same poppies that cover the Flanders fields of the western front...and as red as the blood of the many men who died there.
Before you pick up arms,
Consider the cost.
How many lives will be
forfeited and lost?
Neither one side or t'other
Will suffer no ill.
Why must we continue
To test battle skills?
Surely by now we can
End the suffering?
Embracing each other,
Let everyone sing.
Lift up our keen voices,
Call out for a truce.
Let peace fill our countries.
Live out this new truth.
No more battles and war,
Death and destruction.
Remembering costs naught,
For all of the fallen,
We feel regret.
We will remember them,
Lest we forget.
Wednesday, 5. November 2008, 00:27:34
I just found this blog link: Who would the world vote for?
It's polling the world and who'd they'd vote for. If the rest of the world is getting as much coverage of the election as we are down here, it's no real surprise that so many people have an opinion. Aussies have voted 54,102 times, which is pretty impressive. There are also some pretty obscure countries that have voted (obscure because i'd assumed that not many people would be au fait with the net, due to economic conditions...my bad).
LOL, i just realised how absurd it would be to assume that all those countries could have an opinion about our elections...our little blip on the worlds radar of polotics.
I wonder if american polotics will be as important to the world when they go bankrupt? I wonder if they'll split into seprate states when it all goes to shit? I'm sure the citizens of the great USSR, didn't expect to fall apart, nor those of the great Roman empire or any other great empire. I wonder how much longer it'll take the chinese to go through a regeneration, and who the next world power will be? I'd say it'd be nifty if we all united under the one global government, but it'd follow the dodo into the history books eventually too.
Aren't frogs nifty? I like big green tree frogs and pretty stripey brown grass frogs. I like the way they croak, thier little grippy suction toes, and thier heads that just slope into thier bodies...and they hop! Lovely little critters. I want heaps and heaps of them to come and live in my bath so I could soak and watch them swimming around me. Oh and I forgot thier wicked insect catching skills. Hmm, I'd like to have a frog that also ate mice and small rats...that would be the ultimate pest control pet. Genetic engineers out there can you design one for me??? I'd like it in either of the above colours, and not much bigger than a hand...but I definitely dont want an ugly toady shaped one. Oh and it can't go about putting other native creatures out of buisness, or stepping on thier toes. lol and must get on well with cats and dogs Maybe it could have some sort of home defense characteristic...oooooh! It can launch itself at burglars and stick onto thier faces and suffocate them until they retreat from the property. Or maybe a web like function that ties the burglars up until the police come and cart them off to gaol. And in court all defence is thrown out on the basis that "The Frog is always right!"...mmm that sounds very good to me!
Well that's it for me tonight GO the Froggies!
Sunday, 2. November 2008, 01:45:39
Another month has rolled by without me saying anything. I've been sleeping when everyone else is awake (or being woken up by them when they come to visit me Which I dont mind too much. This week I'll be off to Melb again; a first birthday party of all things Ashmi is turning one, which is terrific. Joy and Moon will be hosting a grand event, since they are the proudest parents (as all first time parents are And the old Emily st gang will be in attendance (well as many of them as can be rounded up within the country John is coming down from Brisy; it's a bit of a bugger that Emily is still in Singapore...but a fun time should still be had by all.
I've also been rearranging my house...i've kind of given up waiting for this place to sell (It's been two years already...or is it three?) and decided that I'll use it the way I'd like to. Once the plumbing has been fixed I may get a boarder, for the spare room. Something to help pay for the place, and take a bit of pressure off M&P. Ultimately I suppose it helps me get a house away from town, as there will be more cash in the long run for all of us. That may sound a little grasping to those not familiar with my situation...but accepting that it's very difficult for me to work like a 'normal' person, i've also had to accept that to ever be able to own my own home I have to accept help from my family. In return I have to do what I can to help them There are plenty of communities that work in this manner to house families, so perhaps it's not such a weird arrangement since it's kept within the family.
Well it's 2.30am and i'm about ready to have tea...such as my internal clock has been working it seems perfectly normal for me to eat at this time now. lol i'd die from famine related diseases if I worked to Oprah's "Never eat after 7pm" rule...well perhaps not die, since I have my first meal in the early afternoon, and certainly people survive on less. Although perhaps my body is storing everything I eat for leaner times, lol.
So long and thanks for all the fish, as the dophins say in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Thursday, 25. September 2008, 00:15:10
I'm feeling run down (sore throat and the usual accompanying thoughts of suicude). Not that I want to be dead in particular just I don't want to feel the way I do at the minute, which is irritating in itself.
Anyway run down...is that like as in a flat battery, or perhaps being run over by a car...or an elephant for that matter? Or is it that something scary has been chasing you and it's finally caught up to you?
Applied to me it generally means that i've been doing too many things and my body starts to feel like it's falling apart...so perhaps i'm more like a car that's been driven to death? lol, that in it's self is quite a statement. Is it any wonder that I feel suicidal when i let myself get run down, when I compare myself to a car on it's last legs.
LOL, I just got a mental image of myself as a car running as fast as I could with four legs, whilst still sitting behind the drivers wheel. Very Dali-esque...and quite similar to his elephants on stilt like legs. I'm very sure I couldn't hold a car body up with two sets of my own legs...although perhaps if i'd grown up having a car body, my legs would naturally be stronger than they are now?
I'm feeling dissatisfied. I had been about to say i was bored and unsatisfied, but realised that i'm more dissatisfied rather than unsatisfied, and bored due to the lack of controlable change in the right directions...so it really did just come down to my dissatisfaction. Unsatisfied implies that i'm lacking something that would make me satisfied, whereas dissatisfaction explains that although I have everything I need, I'm not content with the quality of those things. Although 'things' isn't the right word for all that i'm trying to describe, because i'm also applying it to all the ephemeral aspects of my life as well as the material.
Animals are for life...or at least that's the way i've been raised. I'm really starting to loathe my dog...if he was a boyfriend I'd have dumped him by now. The honeymoon period is definitely over and now I feel like a trapped housewife who's been beaten into submission by an abusive husband...putting up with all the pain and sorrow because it's what's expected from me. I feel trapped and miserable. Perhaps it's just a reflection of the rest of my life surfacing in my relationship with him?
Fuck! I just want to die!!! I'm so fucking sick of it all. Sick and tired. I wish it were possible just to remove all the unwanted body parts. I'd start with all the non-essentials and spare parts...paring out all the excess cells. Tonsils would be first to go followed closely by my womb, after that would be the fat cells that don't add anything to my appearance, toenails, and perhaps even fingernails (although i'd prefer it if they could leave some other shaped scar, as the 'H' shaped one my brother has for a big toe just looks dodgy...A single vertical or horizontal one would be ok...although a pink one the shape of a nail would be better.) IT'd be great if they could use the old cells as stem cells to repair the broken bits in my body...i'd love a new back that was straight and strong, not to mention a tailbone that wasn't painful to sit upon. And new teeth! One's that haven't been ground away to a thin sharp sheet, or nubs in my mouth. Also I could do with removing the pain receptors, just keeping enough so that I don't burn or cut an apendage off without noticing...I wouldn't want to become leperish. LOL is a lepreachan a leper with a bad corn? "Alms for a leper?" calls the wisen old woman as she hobbles down a cobblestone street wearing inaproriate high heals and pointy toes.
I'm off for tonight to see if i can find anything watchable on tellie after midnight *sigh* I wish they'd re-ban all of those dial a date/sexworker ads...and got rid of the infomercials. I think the infomercials should stick to the free paytv channels...they'd still be watched, and perhaps have a higher success rate since the people watching actually want to buy stuff.
Friday, 12. September 2008, 01:45:28
You may well ask what an Aussie could have to say about the twin towers in New York collapsing. I remember clearly what I was doing and who I was with (I suppose in the way other generations have talked about the Kenedy assasination, walking on the moon, or John Lennons or Elvis's deaths). How bright the sun was shining that day, the shock and horror of the news reports, the greif of my online friends who knew emergency service personel who atteneded. All of it is etched into my mind.
Today's technological society spread that horror throughout the world instantly. I saw the second tower collapse before the news reader did, as the image was there in his background. I felt gut wrenching sorrow for all the lives that were lost, and the hopeless desperation of families holding out for a glimpse of someone who had been at ground zero that day.
I felt disgust for the people who caused these deaths...but also sorrow for them that they felt so desperate to be heard that they felt this was the best and only way. I also feel for every family who has lost loved ones since then too.
I'm not convince in the slightest that we as group of nations have behaved in an honourable fashion...in fact i'd go as far as to say that we've reinforced the stereotypes that brought about the destruction in the first place. If we'd acted in a way that respected differences, and taught tolerance by example then perhaps we would have a happier world.
Now some people would say that my view would never work in the face of dictatorships and political regiems...but when has that ever been tested? Perhaps the Swiss have come closest...but even then they have not acted towards all global citizens with respect (by closing a blind eye to shady dealings, that pass throught thier banks or boarders). If everyone thought of thier grandma, or a child when they dealt with another person/country, things would be much better. Respect and protect everyone from the harsh extremes of life. Hmmm, am I voicing civil rights? Yes I am...so why do so many around the world have such a hard time remembering them?
So out of sadness and horror rises the phoenix of civil rights. On the anniversary of any scene of destruction, champion civil rights for all...together we make a difference, and remembering those who've been lost ensures new generations can comprehend how far we've come.
Tuesday, 2. September 2008, 23:26:53
Last night I was reading about coincidences.
This morning I was dreaming about an ex.
Tonight I see the same ex has signed up here. (Hey Todd.)
Weird or what?
Trying to decide whether I can be bothered dying my hair tonight...but have now found my thoughts focused elsewhere.
Coincidences are meant to be a sign that you're on the right track with your life.
I'm having a bipolar moment here...where there are too many thoughts jumping around to be able to follow one to it's natural conclusion, let alone express them satisfactorily.
Might have to call it quite on this teeny tiny entry.
Thursday, 7. August 2008, 04:06:30
Mines...can you think of anything worse?
Perhaps genocide, or nuclear warfare, or perhaps germ, or even gas warfare. Certainly they are all capable of killing masses of people. Mines, nuclear weapons, germs, and gases use in war, continue killing long after the conflict is over.
It makes me sick just thinking of all the lifes that are lost. When are we going to learn? Why is it that we can't get people to agree on a polite way to settle differences? Is it the way that we've been raised? Why is it that we have to argue until someone says they hate the other so much they could kill them?
Why are we unable to respect each other enough to draw the line at depriving each other of civil liberties?
Why is it acceptable to hit, hack, and blow each other to pieces?
I realise that there will always be some people who will be unbale to comprehend what seems so simple to me...and I don't have an answer as to what we do with them. It is up to those of us who are capable of voting, protesting and otherwise showing that we disagree with them and do NOT want those people governing us. I think that we ought to be able to move more freely around the globe, so that if we disagree with the majority of people around us, we are free to move away. I suppose that political asylum is meant to achieve that...but we can see how in effective our policies are when we build large detention camps to hold refugees, whilst they are 'processed'.
If we could get along well enough then the governing party should compensate the people leaving their jurisdiction...then the accepting country wouldn't have to worry about providing the refugees with housing and other necesities to start over again. LOL although if we got along that well in the first place there wouldn't be a need to move away in the first place.
You know what? I never really thought much about Princess Diana...she seemed a little pathetic and wet to me. However I did respect her for her work towards outlawing landmines, and the money she raised to help clear minefields. It was the one thing she was able to use the paparazzi for...and more power to her for that. I hope that her sons do as much to help the world...although considering they both chose to serve in the armed forces I wonder a little about how committed they are to peace. Surely they could re-employ the peace keeping services, and the explosive experts that are in the army so that they actually go around the world dismantling war machines???
Turn armies into police that are out there capturing criminals and supervising the criminals in thier rehabilitation? Focusing as much on treating the cause, and engendering respect, as the actual enforcing the rules we already have?
Well I don't think i'll solve the worlds problems tonight...just cogitate upon them a little more with me?
Sunday, 3. August 2008, 22:39:45
I woke up this morning with one hand upon my opposite wrist, with the oddest feeling that I had been about to devein my arm like you would a prawn. Just reach right in there and grip the vein and peel it right out of my arm up to the elbow.
I think that I'd also been up for a couple of days before that...but i'm not sure. I think that I went to bed on wednesday night, then again last night which was saturday.
BUGGER! I just burnt the casserole that I was reducing! It was kangaroo, in red wine with mushrooms. Which on it's own is quite gamey, but teamed with a mash or cauliflower cheese, it's divine
I hadn't used anything to thicken it, and just thought I'd reduce it a bit more from when I had tea. I had another glass of Feijoa wine and started watching CSI, and completely forgot about it. I tend to multi task when watching tellie, thus I was also midway through typing this
I have to tell you that I adore my new puta. I'm so glad that I did get a TV chip...it means that I have a little window on the tellie, whilst busy computing. When I go to bed (the computer is in the bedroom) I can blow the window up to full screen and watch tellie in bed...and then turn the whole computer off via remote. I would be able to turn it on from bed too, but I've got a password on my user.
I just saw the dumbest ad. It's by the kids help line. Basically it's a silent ad, with a text over saying that it's an opportunity to talk with your kids, and that great relationships happen when there is time to talk...Which is quite a good premise, apart from the fact that it's 9.50pm. I know that not all kids are in bed by 10pm on a sunday night (hell, that was me!), but if you're sitting down to have a chat instead of sending your kids to bed, then something is definitely wrong with your parenting skills. Peter was always getting in trouble from Maria when she'd come home and I'd still be up watching tellie (Maria knocked off work at 10 or 10.30pm four nights a week)...although it wasn't really his fault. I was sneaky and manipulative...and I knew how to work Peter's weaknesses. I knew that if I could string him out half an hour or more after Richard had gone to bed, and I was quiet and didn't more too much, that he'd probably fall asleep. Leaving me up to do whatever (or watch whatever) I wanted until Maria got home...then if I was really sneaky I'd be able eke out a little more time to watch the end of whatever movie i'd stayed up watching. I'd been doing that and barganing for more time to stay up, from about he age of seven.
Later I worked it so that I could stay in bed reading till the wee hours of the morning (between 1-3am)...something that I miss being able to do. LOL a skill that would be really handy considering that I can now stay up x-days straight. It gets hard occasionally finding stuff that wont disturb the neighbours. The only time I get the urge to vaccuum is around 1-3am
Hmm, makes me think that I'll be living with neighbours a while yet. *sigh* LOL, and that when I have a place of my own that I need to have headlights fitted to my lawnmower
Well, cheerio I've had enough blogging for the night
Tuesday, 29. July 2008, 19:40:22
We have an add down here for a room freshener, which features a mother elephant talking about her teenage, centipede son leaving his sneakers lying around.
It got me thinking if I was a centipede that wore shoes I'd have to label which shoe came off which foot, because each of your shoes wears slightly different...and you get individual toe imprints on the inside. Weird huh? Imagine the size of your wardrobe...one hundred shoes all the same. Being a bit of a shoe fiend I'd have to have a whole room to house even just a couple of styles. Lordy and just imagine the bill for all of them???
I wonder what makes a centipede attractive? If I was to wear a skirt I'd have the biggest arse ever one hundred legs long. LOL, but I'd have good legs
*N.B. this post is referring to my other blog which is found here: Chook's Blog
Added links :)
Sunday, 13. July 2008, 21:12:22
In case you didn't notice I've added some links.
Starting with Haven...they are my online family I've been chatting with some of them for over 10 years now. They've helped me through suicidal times and times when I'm so hyper that no-one else can stand to be around me. If you are ever going crazy they are there to keep you company and completely understand everything you're going through since they've been through it too!
Facade is my favourite online fortune telling site. IT IS FREE. There are no hidden costs, or "Send us $30 and we'll give you the rest of your report"
Mystic Familiar is a great little site. You have to pay a little bit (3 pounds a month) to access the chat rooms, other wise it's free. It's great if you want to learn or practice telling fortunes, or even learn to heal, or a bunch of other stuff.
Sims 2 stuff...well there are heaps of links in this section. I enjoy playing Sims 2. Mainly I just create houses and decorate them...like having your own house to put into fashion mags. Of course there are heaps of people who conduct all sorts of weird social experiments with these fake people. I just use them sa decorations
So that's about it...my fav sites. I hope you enjoy them
Wednesday, 2. July 2008, 19:03:58
A friend posted this in reply to me whinging about my dog.
Where the dog and cat came from.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, “and you will call him DOG.” And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit.
I reckon that cats are infintitly better than dogs...I've grown sick of thier pestering ways, and the fact they feel the need to defend thier territory. Yapping, biting, following you around and generally driving people to distraction! Seriously what is so good about that? You can train them to chase sticks and balls...well guess what I have a cat that does that! A cat shows affection, and you can be sure that you really deserve it when they do They don't take up all the bed if you let them sleep with you, and they don't whine at the door if you lock them out. They are automatically toilet trained, smart and self sufficeint enough to get along if you stay out late. So in comparison to a dog what is preferable???
LOL, now that I have one of each I long for the days when I just had a cat I should have opted for a second cat...although I know that isn't as much of a burgular deterant as a dog (maybe I should have opted for geese instead??? Although the toilet training would have been more of a problem if I had!)
Well that's about it for me...CAT'S RULE!
Tuesday, 17. June 2008, 23:34:34
Well I'm sure I've dicussed rapid cycling before so I'll try not to harp on about it. Basically one day I'm happy as a lark and not sleeping, the next i'm barely able to drag myself out of bed and feed myself...Today's theme song is "I just wanna die" sung to the tune of "I just wanna fly" by Sugar Ray. Cheerfully singing about my own demise. lol, that's why rapid cycling is the most dangerous cycle a bipolar person can be in...it the cycle we're most likely to top ourselves in as we actually have the energy to act upon our thoughts of death.
So enough about that I'll chat on about this latest edition of Opera (the browser incase you've happened upon this page without knowing what opera is). Well, I downloaded and installed v9.5 and thought "Fantastic!". I loved the new skin and it's ability to alter the colour theme so easily. Everything transported easily enough...although I did have to fiddle around a bit to get my bookmarks just as I like them (why do upgrades insist upon not listing them exactly the same as you saved them?). I looked at the windows skin and decided that it wasn't very nice in comparison to the new opera one and switched right back...but ever since then I've had problems with it freezing. All windows go blank except for the very top bar of the window...which is most irritating! Especially when it happens numerous times in an evening online. At least just closing the browser via ctrl+alt+del lets me reopen it without rebooting. Also, if you've got something downloading why doesn't it automatically start up again upon reopening the browser? It's such a hassel having to go into my transfers and restart them each time I freeze up! So I'll put up with the freezing as I'm sure the Opera crew are working away furiously on cleaning up bugs...so hopefully someone has already reported my problem ('cause I'm a bit lazy when it comes to doing that sort of thing for myself).
Well that's it for me today...it's all I can manage, which is pretty pathetic.
Tuesday, 3. June 2008, 22:23:36
Well this week it caught up with me...lol, hypomanic spending spree!
Actually I'm really disapointed with myself...I can't actually track where half of my pay went. It's a dreadful feeling wondering how you're going to eat for the next two weeks...thankfully I'm a hoarder and generally have a well stocked larder and freezer.
Larder, lol...I have to admit that is a new one to come tumbling out of my fingers, usually I'd just say pantry. When I come to think about it, larder seems to be a more appropriate word, since it would obviously have been where the lard was stored...whereas what does a pantry suggest, perhaps where you'd keep your pants? LOL, it's actually from the latin Panis, meaning bread...so perhaps not so silly after all.
*Sigh* and of course after the high is always the low...that's hit me pretty hard the last two days. I just want to curl up in bed and die. I want someone to come and whisk me away out of here, and plonk me in some exciting situation in a far off land.
I am trying to find something good each day, but frankly I can't be bothered. Just getting up and dressed is a challenge, let alone out in the world to find something nice. I'm tired of the nice things avaliable on my doorstep...or else I'm just not finding them very nice at the minute. What I wouldn't give for a nice open fire and the concentration to read a book. *sigh*
*mutter mutter* I just seem to be groaning on and on about how up and down I am...and feeling like I'm not contributing much to the world ATM. lol, again another rearing of the black dogs head in that thought
So I'll just end on that sad note.
p.s. it's hard not just to delete the lot...but for the sake of providing a warts and all look at myself I'll post this.
Saturday, 24. May 2008, 02:49:13
Well here I am again...acting on impulses, and having desires filled at my request. Not huge things, just a haircut, lunch or going for drives. Innocent you might say, but in reality it points to a greater issue. I'm on the low side of hypomania, and appear quite normal and cheerful...but there is always a need to second guess my own motives. How much of what I do is reasoned out sanely? *grin* lol, how much of any choice is reasoned out sanely by someone with a mental illness? My point is that at the minute I'm just as likely to do something because I want to, opposed to something that I've thought through.
At the minute I want to up sticks and live in the UK. A couple of good doco's, or some music will get me to thinking about what I'm missing out on. lol, the glamour and grit, the wry humour, the keen fashion, smog, fog and the underground. *sigh* OMG, just to live in a country that is green, that you can pop over to another country on your day off...I mean seriously what's not to desire? College's, history, art, language, people! All that is basically out of reach, unless my mother decides to go and live in europe for a minimum of two years...then an EU passport would be within reach. I should have stayed when I was 21...put aside all my fears and got myself a working permit. Silly considering I was offered a job in a shop in Scotland...and all I'd done was to wander in browsing. *sigh* Yet again the black dog bit me, and squashed any self confidence. So here I am slightly Hypomanic and brimming with confidence in my abilities...wishing for every desire to be granted
18 months to 2 years is about as long as I've held a job before depression interfers and I feel I ought to give the job to someone more worthwhile. It's so damn limiting...i'm bright and intelligent, yet held back by the inevitable. I just have to find a job that I can work when I'm well and hibernate when I'm not, lol which means something self-employed...lol and even then I can't be selling anything, as you have to be reliably keeping in touch with stockists etc. I'm not brilliant at art, which basically leaves me with writing. People enjoy talking to me, but does that ability translate well into the written word? LOL, certainly I'd have to utilise my spell checker, to pick up the myriad of typos, and my stubborn insistance on spelling particular words 'my way'.
I've certainly read a lot of trash over the years, and hopefully i'll be at least as good as them (being published does require a certain degree of skill, no matter what).
LOL, although keeping to a deadline will be hard. Lol, keeping any timeline is hard I suppose I'd better just get on and write every single day...a chapter here and there, ought to eventually flow. LOL but how many other hairbrained schemes have I come up with?
Friday, 2. May 2008, 01:26:16
For those of you who don't know this song, it is about the harsh reality faced by Vietnam Vet's. It is following along in my war theme. Both of these songs were sung by my school on either ANZAC day or Rememberance day...which I think is pretty progressive for a school that had started out with a fairly strong cadet tradition...of course in my years there we no longer had cadetships.
Anyway here are the Lyric's to Redgum's "I was only nineteen"
I WAS ONLY NINETEEN
Mum and Dad and Denny saw the passing out parade at Puckapunyal
(1t was long march from cadets).
The sixth battalion was the next to tour and It was me who drew the card.
We did Canungra and Shoalwater before we left.
And Townsville lined the footpath as we marched down to the quay.
This clipping from the paper shows us young and strong and clean.
And there's me in my slouch hat with my SLR and greens.
God help me, I was only nineteen.
From Vung Tau riding Chinooks to the dust at Nui Dat,
I'd been in and out of choppers now for months.
But we made our tents a home. V.B. and pinups on the lockers,
And an Asian orange sunset through the scrub.
And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can't get to sleep?
And night time's just a jungle dark and a barking M.16?
And what's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?
God help me, I was only nineteen.
A four week operation, when each step can mean your last one
On two legs: it was a war within yourself.
But you wouldn't let your mates down 'til they had you dusted off,
So you closed your eyes and thought about something else.
Then someone yelled out "Contact"', and the bloke behind me swore.
We hooked in there for hours, then a God almighty roar.
Frankie kicked a mine the day that mankind kicked the moon.
God help me, he was going home in June.
1 can still see Frankie, drinking tinnies in the Grand Hotel
On a thirty-six hour rec. leave in Vung Tau.
And I can still hear Frankie, lying screaming in the jungle.
'Till the morphine came and killed the bloody row
And the Anzac legends didn't mention mud and blood and tears.
And stories that my father told me never seemed quite real
I caught some pieces In my back that I didn't even feel.
God help me, I was only nineteen.
And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can't get to sleep?
And why the Channel Seven chopper chills me to my feet?
And what's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?
God help me, I was only nineteen.
Wednesday, 30. April 2008, 03:00:35
Hello all, todays post is about the tradgey of war.
Um, I don't know if you guys know about ANZAC day? It's a public holiday on the 26th of April (one of two held yearly to commemorate those who've fought or lost thier lives in the millitary...the other being Rememberance day held on 11th November "On the eleventh day at the eleventh hour, we shall remember them, Lest We Forget."). Anyway, a little off topic there for a sec, I was going to say that due to having just celebrated ANZAC day we're being bombarded with jingoistic war movies. Glorifying this and that battle (oh and "today was the day the light horse fought at Beersheba, Israel...and if it wasn't for them then we may not have the state of israel as we know it" or so the news informed me). Traditionally the ANZAC's are sent in as cannon fodder, by whomever is directing the current war. Gallipoli, Turkey, and the charge of the lightbrigade being the two most famous cannon fodder battles of the first world war...I mean who else would charge up a cliff under heavy fire (because the british commanders had read the map wrong), or ride out on horses over a desert ill supplied, with rifles and just enough bullets to make it over the distance to meet a line of well armed and supplied troops and tanks. *sigh* Three of my great grandfathers brothers fought at Beersheba, the twins made it home...although they couldn't bring thier horses home with them, which is a shame as the boys who signed up for the lightbrigade supplied thier own trusty mounts from home...so you can imagine the sorrow over having to part with thier best mates. Most of them chose to shoot thier mounts rather than leave them in Egypt...just so thier mates wouldn't have to be worked to death by poverty strician Egyptians who couldn't afford to feed them properly. Everything I've ever heard about war has been the tradgic waste and loss of peoples lives. It tires me, just thinking about all those lives, and how many more will be lost in the name of one thing or another. *sigh*
The Band Played Waltzing Matilda ...by Eric Bogle
When I was a young man I carried my pack
I lived the free life of a rover
From the Murrays green basin to the dusty outback
I waltzed my Matilda all over
Then in nineteen fifteen my country said Son
It's time to stop rambling 'cause there's work to be done
So they gave me a tin hat and they gave me a gun
And they sent me away to the war
And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we sailed away from the quay
And amidst all the tears and the shouts and the cheers
We sailed off to Gallipoli.
How well I remember that terrible day
How the blood stained the sand and the water
And how in that hell that they called Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter
Johnny Turk he was ready, he primed himself well
He chased us with bullets, he rained us with shells
And in five minutes flat he'd blown us all to hell
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.
But the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we stopped to bury our slain
We buried ours and the Turks buried theirs
Then we started all over again
Now those that were left, well we tried to survive
In a mad world of blood, death and fire
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
But around me the corpses piled higher
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over tit
And when I woke up in my hospital bed
And saw what it had done, I wished I was dead
Never knew there were worse things than dying
For no more I'll go waltzing Matilda
All around the green bush far and near
For to hump tent and pegs, a man needs two legs
No more waltzing Matilda for me
So they collected the cripples, the wounded, the maimed
And they shipped us back home to Australia
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla
And as our ship pulled into Circular Quay
I looked at the place where my legs used to be
And thank Christ there was nobody waiting for me
To grieve and to mourn and to pity
And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As they carried us down the gangway
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared
Then turned all their faces away
And now every April I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me
And I watch my old comrades, how proudly they march
Reliving old dreams of past glory
And the old men march slowly, all bent, stiff and sore
The forgotten heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask, "What are they marching for?"
And I ask myself the same question
And the band plays Waltzing Matilda
And the old men answer to the call
But year after year their numbers get fewer
Some day no one will march there at all
Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda
Who'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
And their ghosts may be heard as you pass the Billabong
Who'll go a waltzing Matilda with me?
So I march against war...I feel so small in the face of it all. Do you think there will be an end to it all? There are at least two more countries this week who are near developing thier own nukes. Oh and here I am living in the world with the richest uranium deposits in the world...who do you think uses what we dig up? It's certainly not us, with our paltry 2(?) reactors which are used for science. Oh and don't get me started on nuclear waste...I mean seriously a half life of 10,000 years, and poloticians expect me to be happy about the fossil fuel we save by producing it??? BTW in case you don't know what a half life is, it's : the time taken for something to decrease by half, in particular the radioactivity of an isotope. So it's as if you put something 100g in a reactor today it'll still be radioactive in 70,000 years (although you'll have less than one 0.75g of radioactive material). To me that's not acceptable. I'm sure that we'll have wiped ourselves of the planet by then, but the next species to dominate will still have to be dealing with a radioactive wasteland...and who's going to make sure that all those dumps remain sealed??? How often do we have government changes, religious uprisings, and other general social upheavals, that may possibly interfere with the payment of the waste safekeepers? In the last 200 years there have been three times when the culture has changed so dramatically that the safe guarding of nuclear waste could possibly have been suspended (if we'd had nuclear waste back then)...they were the white settlement of Australia, and the two world wars. All it would take, would be for a generation of people not to be taught how dangerous nuclear waste is, for us all to be dying of cancers, or other radiation sicknesses. A forty year period of uneducation...and we all die. There are 1750 chances of that happening during the radioactive lifetime of 100g of waste being produced...or 3250 chances if you've produced a kilo of waste...how many kilos do we produce world wide on a daily basis??? See I told you not to get me started on nuclear waste!
Gang warfare is on the rise, and so far this week we've had at least three murders that I know of. What are we doing wrong as a society? Is it any surprise that so many religion are based peace, love, and understanding of others??? Yet so many people are rudderless as they sail through life. They turned thier backs on organised religion, replacing it with capitalism and greed. The world is losing it's integrity by the bucket load, rather than looking within and treating others as they wish to be treated. Empathy is missing at the grass roots level. People are growing up bitter and twisted, perpetuating the cycle. I try to spread my message of understanding, and make such a tiny difference *sigh*
Saturday, 19. April 2008, 03:50:29
Post Surgery...my back is fine and unless I do something like heavy lifting it ought to stay that way...and virtually pain free. Stupidly I did some heavy lifting after getting home in search of my birth certificate as the hospital lost my handbag in transit to the ward.
The good news is that a full week after doing same said heavy lifting my back hardly twinges anymore when I am in transit to standing position. Oh and I'm not having dreadful headaches from coming off my pain regime cold turky because i'm such an air head that I actually forget to take any pain relief. I have a couple of pain killers and a valium so I don't wake up wanting my head removed.
Apart from all that how am I? Where am I and all that Jazz?
Well feeling like a total space cadet...you know drifting miles above the earth totally disconected with the entire human race.
It dawned on me a few minutes back that without Kelly I have no outside contact with the world...M&P are OS, Trick is doing his thing, Ronnie is in the kennels...so it's just Maurice and I floating in limbo.
I seem to talk quite a bit about living in limbo. (Why is a limbo stick a limbo stick??? OH, it's because you've got to be limber to go under. Duh.)
Limbo according to the Oxford Dictionary is:
• noun 1 (in some Christian beliefs) the supposed abode of the souls of unbaptized infants, and of the just who died before Christ. 2 an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution.
— ORIGIN from Latin limbus ‘hem, border, limbo’.
SO obviously I feel like i'm living on the hem or boarder of life...or perhaps waiting for this interminable period to end. Truth is I feel both in some ways.
I am on the edge of life, I don't want to be in the mainstream of things...personally I think I'd go crazy if I had to be there. *smile* not that I'm not already...but how bad could I be if I did go there??? I wish the world were somehow different...that things were slower, that people cared about each other, *smile* a pipe dream I know.
LOL, I'm sitting here writing and I think "oh, maybe things would be different if i suicided?"...I'm not in the least bit suicidal, just the change of pace might be different. I'm disassociated from the world and everyone in it...there is a sureal dreamlike quality, quite peaceful. I suppose any psychiatric advice would be to reconnect myself with the world...I want to know why? Why is being connected better than not being connected? Why is having a job and going to work and earning money to buy stuff, better than staring into space until you die?
Oh and I suppose that I ought to address the other half of the definion of limbo...What is it that i'm waiting to resolve or decide? I have no idea in the least...lol, if i did I suppose i'd resolve or decide it All I know is that I'm waiting, there is something that i'm meant to do that will have an effect in the grander sceme of things. I used to think it was something I was meant to learn, but now i'm not as sure, that it isn't something that i'm meant to do. But what it is I have no idea.
I've been advised in the past just to do stuff and whatever it is will just happen of it's own accord...well I think i'm meant to wait. Perhaps it's the second coming of jesus? The rising of the dark lord? lol or perhaps the earth reaching a critical mass, that will trigger the whole beingness of ourselves forward through time and space. Whatever. I suppose I just have to wait to find out, lol.
I wonder how long it'll be before mainstream literature includes 'lol' as an official expression of mirth? Not to mention all the other leet speak that is filtering down through the bedrock of society to the groundwater of language? Since language changes so frequently I'm sure that some of it will survive, and other bits will fall by the wayside.
*sigh* I suppose i'd better reconnect with a couple of friends who may notice my not being around.
Wednesday, 26. March 2008, 18:59:46
I am in pain. I don't mean the average pain of a headache...i'd welcome it. But real pain, where you wish someone would rip, slice or just plain remove the offending areas of pain. I am at the point where I want to kill someone, anyone, including myself. I am horrible, nasty and rude to almost everyone...and I just want anyone (animals included) to just fuck off and leave me alone...unless of course they can remove the pain.
I have no idea how people live with pain like this year after year. Being bipolar is easier, as at least i know that eventually the inner pain will stop...this is unending. Surgery is dangled in front of me as a possible solution...but even after an initial interview with a surgeon I'll be put on a waiting list which depending upon how many people who are worse off than me, i'll be stuck in limbo.
I swear like a trooper, or sailor or possibly worse than a combination of them. The number of times I say "Cunt, mother fucker, mother fucker, cunt, fuckers, cunt, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, CUNT!!!!", is unbelievable...lol and you should hear me if I have to travel in a car...every slightest bump or dip in the road elicits a tirade like that one. Moving from sitting to lying, to draping or standing, kneeling to hanging by my ankles...every single moment i'm in pain. All the pain killers I'm on, anti-inflamitories, muscle relaxants...I'm injecting and swallowing them down every six hours (with a nap inbetween), some can only be taken every eight hours, some twelve hourly, some in between other doses...and you know what it achieves? At best I feel like my leg has fallen asleep and i've got pins and needles and that awful half pain you get as it wakes up. I can't bend at the waist (so sitting is a bitch)...bending and twisting is absolutely banned as it will only injure me worse. I can't cook or take the garbage out...I have to rely on friends to help with housework, and driving me places.
I normally sleep on my side and have done for as long as I can remember...no more! I must sleep on my back, the only variance in position that my pain allow is to bend one leg out to a side and prop it on a pillow...if I'm lucky I'll be allowed by the pain to let the othter leg have a turn doing the same thing later in the night. So much for sleeping in a fetal position all curled up neatly in my warm fluffy doona, which is what i've done every other night of my life. OK, that's not quite true...sometimes when i'm really off the wall and unable to sleep due to a bipolar mood swing, the only position i'd be able to get an hour or so to sleep in is on my stomach, curled around my pillow. Still curled up and comfortable. I can't watch TV to distract myself as being flat on my back gives me a view of the ceiling (so all I can do is listen to the damn thing)...or if i've draped myself across the end of a poof on the chaise lounge, i get a crick in my neck from proping myself up on my elbows to watch for a while...then i fall asleep (due to the sedative nature of all the drugs i have to take) in that position and end up with aching knees, because i've just spent the whole day drapped with my weight dispersed over the end of the couch and my knees on a cushion. You'd think that all the pain killers i've been taking would take care of all those other niggling pains, but apparently they can only cope with 'X' amount of pain and anything extra well, that just goes by the way side and I get to put up with it.
OH, and the bst bit about all this is the one drug that actually seems to help manage the pain is not on the PBS list...so it has to be paid for in full, roughly $50-60 for 20 or 5 doses depending upon whether i'm ingesting it or injecting it. The only other alternative for me to receive it and not actually have to pay for it is to clog up the local ER...on a 6 hourly basis. Fun idea huh???
So pretty much all around i'm fucked! I'm sick and tired of it all. I just want the pain to be over and done with so I can get on with my life. LOL, I can't even do my own shopping, as I need someone else to push the trolley!
Unlike a depression I can't sleep through it as the pain wakes me up...or the dog as he's bored stupid and I can't even take him for a walk or play with him enough so that he doesn't 'need' to bother me.
I'm sick, sick, sick of it! I'm not giving up yet...as there are still so many things I want to do with my life. Cliche or what??? Frankly at this point I don't give a flying Fuck, I just want things to hurry up and change so I can get on with it!
One minute things look great dn I feel like I might be on a bipolar upswing then teh pain brings me crashhing back down to a state of anger and misery...I could be rapid cycling, although I think the clinical pain would preclude that as a diagnoses. Although, since stress is a major trigger for mood swings, perhaps it wouldn't preclude it? Phft, what does it matter? It makes no difference in the long run.
So that's life today, boring and painful. No terrific insight's into life this evening.
So Cheerio from me. LOL, I'm so sick of people asking me how I am today...I say great and then say 'actually I'm lying!'...so saying Cheerio, is just as ridiculous...although I suppose i'm wishing you a good day, so perhaps it's not so bad. So, Have a nice day! lol, now wasn't that facetious *grin*
LOL, have a good one anyway!