Wednesday, 26. September 2007, 18:06:40
Have you ever woken up from a dream and realised it was all about missed chances and regrets that you've carried for years?
Isn't it wierd the way your mind throws back to you all sorts of things that you thought you were over years ago?
The latest of my dream sagas threw two at me. Boy's from high school that I wished I'd had the courage to let know I fancied them. One that I wish i'd told that the reason I wouldn't go out with his friend was because I wanted him instead. Ali, I'd carried a torch for him since I started school at the ripe old age of four. Gerard who'd expressed an interest in me, I'd never found appealing. He didn't look horrid (but still not the 'type' i'd be into), but his manner is what was most offensive to me. He was mean, a bully, and never showed remorse for his lack of respect for others.
The next my dream threw at me was Ben. He was a mate of my brothers...which of course made him about two years younger than me. He was annoying, and 'rough around the edges'...but inspite of that I still liked him. His persistance certainly payed off. For two years he made sure he spent as much time at our place as he could over summers (at the beach it was much easier to socialise as we weren't so far out of town). What i felt for him was more along the lines of "gee I wish I could experiment with him"...You know the stuff you feel when you first want to experiment with boys.
After waking up from those dreams it got me thinking about other boys I'd 'wished' about. There was Wes, who i'm sure something would have happened with if I hadn't injured myself at a certain party and then passed out with pain. He liked me enough to send his little sister to me, when she started school at College. He thought i'd look after her, and rescue her her if she ever needed help...Which was about two years after he'd left to go to a school in Melbourne. Oh and don't get me wrong here, there was serious flirting the whole party, and we hung out at school...so I wasn't just hoping something would materialise out of nothing
Then there was Dale. A real sweet heart...I made the mistake of asking his on again off again GF if there was any chance he'd be interested in me...which of course led to nothing as who in their right mind would add competition to the mix? So I settled just for hanging with him and other friends after school. Maybe i'd have tried again if we hadn't left town for good.
Oh, and now the exciting bit. I fancied the town's biggest drug dealer for the schools. He'd been kicked out of home and was living with his uncle, using drugs to supplement the tiny income that he got from the government. Julian *sigh* he was absolutely dreamy. Dark hair, translucent pale skin with a hint of colour, dark eyes...and sooo sweet. The fact that he even noticed me again after our brief meeting, said much about him. He was eighteen and I was just fifteen, and quieter than a mouse, lol. Quite often we'd bump into each other as I got off the bus at school in the morning, as he was walking to his school. We'd stop and say hi, he'd ask when I was next going to visit (which i never did because we lived too far out of town)...it was like a secret guilty pleasure for me. Something none of my friends knew about, something that always made me late for class, something that linked me with the cool kids from year's eleven and twelve. LOL, not to mention made those same cool kids wonder what on earth he saw in me to include me. LOL, but one added bonus was that I was able to get more glimpses of 'Dan the Man'...the absolutely most drool worth guy at college!
Years later when my brother was looking for a house with his GF and some friends I saw Dan again. Still as drool worthy as ever. Think a dark version of James Dean with a guitar, he even had his soft pack of smokes rolled up in his chesty bond T sleeve. We were driving past a house and he was playing his guitar on the front veranda...I made all the girls walk back and check him out!
Another funny story from that day. We'd got to this house and couldn't get inside as some couple had already taken the keys from the estate agent. So everyone was peaking in windows and going 'Ooh and ah'. I thought this was so funny as Trick and I had been brought up knowing how to break into houses, since Peter was a builder. I'd noticed that one of the window on the balcony was unlocked, so I offered to break in...Everyone was so shocked, including Trick! So I opened the window, and dove in head first, finsihing with a flourished somersault...skipped to the front door and unlocked it, to usher everyone in for a better look Obviously everyone thought that I was too polite and proper to break into an empty house.
Since then I've become better known, breaking into cars and houses whenever friends have locked thier keys inside. And the odd prank on friends who aren't quite as aware of my talents
Anyway, i've wandered off topic again. Since we moved from Hamilton i've made sure that i've never fallen back into the 'too shy to act' bracket. Life is too short to spend wondering what if. It's surprised me at times, that i've actually drawn people to me because they think i'm cool. I state categorically I'm not cool, never have been. I'm nice, I can be funny, and I'm kind. The only kind of cool that I might fall into, is that I haven't got time to worry about what other people think of my actions. Life is just too darn short.
Of course i've still had crushes, the appropriate one's i've acted upon (even some less appropriate ones)...but mostly I've just recognised that they haven't been relationship material and have had no regrets Funny how it's those few teen years that capture the most crushes (and regretful missed opportunites)...it's before we look for someone to share our lives, or recognise that a one night stand can satisfy a lustful urge for someone we don't really want to know for a long period.
Oh, I have a small point to make here. If a girl takes you home for a one night stand, no matter how good you think the sex is/was, please realise that she only wants a one night stand. If she was looking for something other than that, she'd have taken the time to get to know you before having sex. LOL, or she'd have actually bothered to remember your name.
Do I sound callous?
There is a great ad for post-its out here where a guy labels everything, including the girl he brought home the night before. lol, it made sense to me. It's not something I do often, in fact I can still count on two hands the number of people I've slept with (including BF's and GF's). But I see nothing wrong with admitting lustful thoughts, or the inclination to act upon them occasionally.
I don't believe in saving myself for marriage, nor refusing to live with each other before marriage. There are so many variables that occur when you do live together, that show your potential life partner who you are when you have all your walls down.
If however you choose to live you life in a manner differently to how I choose mine, that is OK. We can be friends, we can discuss differences. I'd have similar discussions with you about life and love as I do with my vegetarian friends. Life choices are important in making the world an interesting place to live. Ok, you may be thinking that is an odd parallel to have drawn, but I have vegetairan friends who don't eat meat for religious reasons and others for moral reasons. I'll be asking you why you choose to have sex or not to have sex. Why you choose to pierce or not pierce? Why you choose to listen to one sort of music over another...it all interests me
Hmmm, what would I do if I fell in love with someone who was diametrical different to me in their life choices. The say opposites attract...yet, i've a feeling that once the initial lust had past, i'd settle into a friendship rather than a loving partnership. To me a partnership implies the act of sharing a lifestyle. If we were always at odds concerning the day to day running of our lives, I don't think I could live in the same house without having a large chunk of each day to myself. Where I could relax and know that my life is running the way I want it to run. A friendship would certainly be easier...when things got too heated, you could always go home and relax. On another note, things would be less likely to get heated, as no matter what your friend thought, you know that when it comes down to it, they appreciate you being you. Neither of you have a pressure to change to live with the other.
Do I think it's fair that a partner expects you to change the way they think just to live with you? Not really, but thinking that doesn't alter reality. Just as when you first move in with each other there is an amalgum of furniture to be fitted into one space, there is an amalgum of lifestyles. Choices are made, attitudes alter...sometimes it works, and other times it doesn't (which is one reason I believe in living together before marriage). If you're diametrically opposite, there is always someone that loses. A forced change against the internal, drive that set those morals for you...the things that have guided you well until X point in time. If you're similar in your beliefs, you remove one hurdle to a successful relationship. Being identical in your beliefs, isn't necessarially the key either, as you might get bored living with a carbon copy of yourself
Am I rambling?
Probably, so I think i'll catch you later