Thursday, May 6, 2010

House not a home (a very depressed and teary rant)

I'm sick of my house not being mine...there are so many things about it that irritate me. Some of which I should just get to and fix myself, but I would just like some company while I'm working.

Some of which irritate me because I just don't like what's been chosen before me, and I can't justify the extra cost of turning into something I actually like.

Then there are all the things that I would like my space to have, which I can't have...which drives me up the wall. Personally i think i'd be happier in a shed, because then I could do whatever i wanted to the place an no-one would care, or have an opinion. I could put a wood stove in the kitchen because it's all one level. I could have no walls, or curtains to divide the space up...or maybe just movable walls for when I want to adjust things. Basically I want a blank space to create what I want not what other people think i should have, or what would work for them. 

I'm a little fed up with working from other peoples plans. I want some help doing what I want, not always helping other people do what they want.

Right, I'm angry and teary now. I'm fed up being pushed and pulled into what other people want, friends and family alike. It's hardly any wonder that I don't want to talk to or interact with anyone, when I feel like there is nothing that I do which achieves anything that I want. "Go to bed, get up now. Live your live this way, live your life that way. Come here, go there. Fill in this form. Look this way. No, it has to be my way." I'm sick of hearing all of that. If I could be different then I wouldn't be living here. Do any of you ever think that perhaps this isn't how I want my life??? That perhaps I'm doing the best I can with the crap that I have??? Don't any of you realise that given a different brain or set of circumstances, i'd be a long long way from Ballarat, and actually doing things that I love, rather than stuck here with crap, and a brain that doesn't work well enough for me to actually achieve anything that I've always dreamed of???

It makes me so angry and sad, that this is all I can look forward to...and that day after day I have to get up and smile and pretend that I like this life. I don't! If I was given the option of giving up the use of my arms or legs, just so that my brain would work right I'd do it in a heart beat. Frankly suicide is the easier option, than going through the motions pretending that this half life is ok. Certainly it would upset people if I wasn't here, but they'd get over it. But don't worry I'm not going to do anything which anyone else would consider a stupid option...because I'm still bloody well trying to please all of you! A quality that I hate about myself right now.

So please excuse me if I decide not to talk to anyone, I'm depressed and I have a damn good reason.

All I want to improve this crap is a space that is mine, and has a few simple things that can be salvaged from my dreams from how my life should have been.

Kate :(

1 comment:

  1. well, indeed, why is it that you feel the need to pretend to be happy and why do you think you need to please people? It also raises all sorts of questions about sincerity.
    You are blessed to have the support of your folks(both financial and emotional) a roof over your head, a nice car, and no desperate need to find employment, and I might add, you don't mind giving your opinion and advice, waranted or not! being bipolar must suck balls big time, and I think if I where feeling like you are right now, I'd be desperately trying to get the right help, and maybe new medication. Sometimes a little bit of perspective also helps

    Check out - thebobsquad