Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Static shadow...


Yesterday I woke up feeling like I was a shadow of myself on a tv with know how you get a slight ghosting of things a few millimetres behind the main image. I felt like my soul was displaced from my body by that much. Enough so that instead of filling my body, there were gaps inside me where I'd fallen out, and areas where I was floating around in the ether. I usually feel quite shaky and unsure of my body when I get like that. I tend not to travel too far from home in case my body just ceases to respond to my thoughts, and I feel I can't rely on reflexes to react if I'm in driving. lol, or if I reach out for something I'll miss touching it, because only my soul made it to the object rather than my body :) Yet another example of how odd I am. 

I can certainly understand some of the feelings of people who suffer with body integrity identity disorder (B.I.I.D.), or even disassociative identity disorder (D.I.D.). The first is when someone does not associate a part of their body as being part of them (like and arm or leg), thinking that it belongs to someone else (or not themselves) and that they'd be better off if it was amputated. Which is caused when the brain is developing, and mapping out the area of the body...basically the brain leaves the offending limb out of it's map of the body. The second disorder used to be called multiple personality disorder. It's usually caused in times of great trauma, when a person is unable to deal with the trauma and withdraws, and a splinter personality takes over until the trauma has passed. I know that I've paraphrased both of these disorders, but I mean no disrespect, and certainly do not intend to make light of either disorder; I'm only associating my feelings of not quite being in my body or being able to trust it to do what I want, with these disorders.

I used to have a friend who was D.I.D. Her alters trusted me enough to come out and talk to me. I never knew who would come out to talk to me on any day, whether they would be in their mid thirties, teens or only three or four. Each of them had their own personality, which I could see mirrored in their host (but she couldn't) and a lot of the time I knew more about what her alters had been up to than she did herself. She would have blackouts whenever an alter came out. If you've seen "The United States of Tara", you can imagine some of the personalities that could come out. Each with their own role to play and desires they wanted fulfilled.

OK...lost my train of thought as I wandered off to spray blackberries of all things. Why I felt the need to stand up midway through something and go and garden could be put down  to being bipolar, or perhaps the fact that I'm only sleeping every other day...but most likely I'll blame the dog (he wanted to go out), so then I thought the cats might like to go out, and in the process of tying Tig up by the pond, I did a little weeding, then remembered I had an old pump spray thingy in the garage, and some poison in the kitchen...quite simply one thing led to another and to another, until here I am a couple of hours later finishing this entry :)

I hope your day has been as productive ;P

No comments:

Post a Comment