Heavy Heart

Today's post takes it's name from the You Am I tune Heavy Heart... I'm pretty sure that they lyrics are about missing a partner when you're working night/pub shifts vs normal working hours of your partner, or perhaps after dragging yourself home yet again from another soulless night drinking over losing the love of your life?

Alas for me it's a theme song to describe how and when the depression hits me hardest, scrabbling to cling to happier memories of other times. I'm maudlin and melancholy. Enjoy the song, it's not as bad as I make it out to be.

Anyway here are the lyrics.
You Am I - Heavy Heart.

Been watching so much TV
I'm thinner than I should be
I'm like a waterlogged ball
That no-one wants to kick around anymore
An all day morning hair-do
That no comb can get through
It's all granola and beer
A calling card and a silk cut souvenir
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so sharp
Now I got a heavy heart

I talk a lot about football
And girls I kissed in Grade 4
I piss off my friends
And digging a hole just staring at the floor
Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain
I'm loving cigarettes again
I know every tune about guys and girls
and hurts and hearts and moans

I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so good
Now I got a heavy heart

It's just a low rent paying, palpitating pulp under my shirt
But there's a weight that's sitting
Oh God it hurts
Oh God it hurts

Been watching so much TV
I'm thinner than I should be
I'm like a waterlogged ball
That no-one wants to kick around anymore

I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
Oh my heavy heart

 

Red Hatters...where have you been and why didn't I know you existed eariler???

Hi All! 
I've only just heard about an international group called the Red Hat Society. Where have I been? Under a rock perhaps?

They are a group of ladies dedicated to growing old disgracefully. 

They were inspired by this poem:
Warning ~ By Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
 
I had read this poem over at Kelly's place and thought it was spot on for almost all my female friends. Although after listening to Carolyn and Gabrielle talk about becoming invisible to shop assistants after "The Menopause" set in, I can totally understand why women over a certain age have a driving need to wear red and purple, so that the world is forced to take notice of them...and why after all the stuff they've lived through they delight in behaving badly.

That is the essential spark of the Red Hatters, to laugh and have fun once everything else is said and done. So they meet a couple of times a month or maybe more, to have fun with other women who are determined be remembered in their dotage as the mother, sister, aunt, grandmother and friend who wore purple and silly red hats!

Of course you need to be over 50 to be eligible to wear the purple and red, but fear not all those who are younger are still encouraged to join and become one of the memorable crowd...we can wear pink hats and lavender.

I intend to track down the Ballarat chapter and see if Maria might like to come along with me. She is most likely to continue to embarrass Trick, Raphy, Millie and myself until the she dies...she may as well do so in the right company!

I wonder why there isn't a brother society for all the silly goat fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers...I know of at least one that delights in going into toy stores and pressing every button that produces noise, and inflicting terrible "dad jokes" upon his offspring and their nippers. I think perhaps Mustard caps, and Orange shirts are in order?

Cheers!
Kate 

Two things to get a giggle from...

Hi :)
The first is this great clip...lol I'd forgotten that half of these characters even existed. I wonder what Freddie Mercury thought of this version ;)




The second is an incident that happened today.
After a great day out and about with friends I remembered that I was supposed to meet someone at my parents house at 4pm...so at 4.40pm I decided to do a slow drive by to see if they were home yet, and thereby relieving my guilt about having forgotten all about everything. Turns out my parents were home, and I was just in time to see the last one climbing the stairs after returning from thier trip to Melbourne. Rather than stop doing a suspicious crawl past their house in my car and go in and appologise for being an air head, Kelly and I waved madly and sped off.

I can only imagine what my father must have thought: a) Why is that car crawling past my house? b) that is Kate's car. b) people are waving at me? and finally c) why didn't they come in and say hello instead of being nutters?
Not to worry though he's probably so worn out by his adventure with the kids in Melbourne that he's forgotten all about his odd daughter :)

Cheers Big Ears!
Kate

Sleep walking...

I am so glad I've never been one for sleep walking. With my drugs the opposite is true, If I forget to take one I sleep so soundly that my body doesn't move and I wake up aching and heavy from not even having turned in the night.

I'm wondering if this sleep walker might have had a brain injury, which has caused his brain to over-ride the normal sleep paralysis so completely.





Cheers Kate

Tribute to the Tenth Doctor

Well this New Year saw the passing of the Tenth Doctor...and it was amazing. Sad but also exciting. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to look forward to watching a new one, but the way they've ended this one makes me think there is hope for the new Doctor.

Anyway here is a tribute clip to remember him by.
Cheers Kate

Music for a deranged clown...

Hello, I know that sounds like an odd title for a post, but when you play this video you'll understand exactly  what I mean.


 Now can't you just imagine the clown from Steven King's It traipsing down the road towards you, hopping and skipping, grinning manically at you, pointy teeth at the ready to tear you apart. 

I have to say I love it! As the boy's say, pass the clip around to as many friends as you can as they are a true indie band and need our support to get their names out there.

Cheers Kate 

New Year...

I just found this wonderful quote on another blog:

As you walk into this new year, may your lives be enchanting and healthy. May you slay every dragon and make it home in time for tea. ~http://www.folkandfairy.com/

Now isn't that the best wish for the New Year? It allows you to fill your lives with wonder and awe, achieve the impossible and still make it home for tea. lol, it makes me yearn for a kitchen with a scrubbed pine table, a wood stove, some short bread and a pot of tea...so that I can stagger in wiping the muck off my hands, with my armour clanking, and tumble into my accustomed  chair, knowing the days work of dragon slaying is done. Perfectly wonderful!

Of course I only ever stumble into Nonna's kitchen out at the Pines when I think of things like this. Back in the days of being perfectly loved and supported, and knowing that I could achieve anything I wanted. Without a care or worry in the world...things were just as they appeared, and there was an answer for every question. 

LOL, not that i'm not loved and supported now, it's just that there are things that are broken that can not be fixed, questions that can't be answered, and dragons seem an easy problem to tackle. 

I wish for you that every good dream becomes a reality, that you are happy, healthy and loved. Have a lovely 2010.
Cheers Kate 

Embarassing Fathers

Hello,

Just a quick one tonight. Earlier this evening I was talking to Zig, who was lamenting her father's embarrassing traits (which I pointed out were no worse than anyone one else has to put up with from their own families).

I tried to describe the lengths my own father would go to in order to embarrass us. Which included driving a large calf shit yellow four wheel drive (back in the days when they were still rare). He would also play really daggy rock and roll, loudly since he was a bit deaf and enjoying himself. One song in particular tended to make me cringe whenever he was driving anywhere anyone who knew me might be (but which i secretly liked). So I'd like to share it here :)





My Ding-a-ling by Chuck Berry.

My Ding-A-Ling-A-Ling

When I was a little biddy boy
My grandma bought me a cute little toy
Two Silver bells on a string
She told me it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling

My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling

When I was little boy In Grammar school
Always went by the very best rule
But Evertime the bell would ring
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling

Once while climbing the garden wall,
Slipped and fell had a very bad fall
I fell so hard I heard birds sing,
But I held on to My ding-a-ling

Once while swimming cross turtle creek
Man them snappers right at my feet
Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holding my dingaling

Now this here song it ain't so bad
Prettiest little song that you ever had
And those of you who will not sing
must be playing with your on Ding-a-ling
 

It turns out the lyrics Chuck sang in this version are different from the ones above, but I'm sure you get that with all performers who mess around with live audiences :) 
Cheers, Kate :) 

Static shadow...

Hello,


Yesterday I woke up feeling like I was a shadow of myself on a tv with static...you know how you get a slight ghosting of things a few millimetres behind the main image. I felt like my soul was displaced from my body by that much. Enough so that instead of filling my body, there were gaps inside me where I'd fallen out, and areas where I was floating around in the ether. I usually feel quite shaky and unsure of my body when I get like that. I tend not to travel too far from home in case my body just ceases to respond to my thoughts, and I feel I can't rely on reflexes to react if I'm in driving. lol, or if I reach out for something I'll miss touching it, because only my soul made it to the object rather than my body :) Yet another example of how odd I am. 


I can certainly understand some of the feelings of people who suffer with body integrity identity disorder (B.I.I.D.), or even disassociative identity disorder (D.I.D.). The first is when someone does not associate a part of their body as being part of them (like and arm or leg), thinking that it belongs to someone else (or not themselves) and that they'd be better off if it was amputated. Which is caused when the brain is developing, and mapping out the area of the body...basically the brain leaves the offending limb out of it's map of the body. The second disorder used to be called multiple personality disorder. It's usually caused in times of great trauma, when a person is unable to deal with the trauma and withdraws, and a splinter personality takes over until the trauma has passed. I know that I've paraphrased both of these disorders, but I mean no disrespect, and certainly do not intend to make light of either disorder; I'm only associating my feelings of not quite being in my body or being able to trust it to do what I want, with these disorders.


I used to have a friend who was D.I.D. Her alters trusted me enough to come out and talk to me. I never knew who would come out to talk to me on any day, whether they would be in their mid thirties, teens or only three or four. Each of them had their own personality, which I could see mirrored in their host (but she couldn't) and a lot of the time I knew more about what her alters had been up to than she did herself. She would have blackouts whenever an alter came out. If you've seen "The United States of Tara", you can imagine some of the personalities that could come out. Each with their own role to play and desires they wanted fulfilled.


OK...lost my train of thought as I wandered off to spray blackberries of all things. Why I felt the need to stand up midway through something and go and garden could be put down  to being bipolar, or perhaps the fact that I'm only sleeping every other day...but most likely I'll blame the dog (he wanted to go out), so then I thought the cats might like to go out, and in the process of tying Tig up by the pond, I did a little weeding, then remembered I had an old pump spray thingy in the garage, and some poison in the kitchen...quite simply one thing led to another and to another, until here I am a couple of hours later finishing this entry :)


I hope your day has been as productive ;P
 Kate 

Hanna's Suitcase

Hello,


Well I'm here watching reruns of ABC on Iview. The documentary on Hanna's suitcase, which was sent to a Japanese Holocaust museum, and the way the curator and children in her class chased down Hanna's story from before and during the war so that the exhibit could be about her life, rather than just her death at Auschwitz.


It's a lovely story, but contains the common tragic currents that go along with many Holocaust stories. If you're imaging something along the lines of Schindlers List, or the Diary of Anne Frank you're quite close, although if you've been to a Holocaust Museum (like the one in Glen Eria, or other parts of the world) then you'll have a closer connection to the significance of the simplicity of a suitcase that once belonged to a little girl can evoke...especially if you've been there when a survivor has told their story to you in person. It has broken my heart everytime I've met a survivor.

Suitcases like Hanna's, with names and birthday's written on the outside.

 

One of the sheds at Auschwitz-Birkenau filled with shoes and clothes from the prisoners.

It's these mountains of shoes that always make me cry, since most of the owners were ushered into gas chambers...and the few that were not shivered in rags when it snowed, starving and slaving in work camps.


Anyway, although this story is tragic, this doco held a surprise for me within it. There was a little old lady who when she heard of the museum opening she decided to volunteer there. She was a survivor of Hiroshima. She'd learnt about the Jewish plight when she'd visited Europe after the war. She felt that unlike her survival of one of the Second World War's horrific tragedies, she ought to volunteer because the Jewish people had no say in the events that led to the death of so many. It was almost as if she was saying that since the Japanese had started the war in the Pacific, that she deserved to have been bombed with nuclear weapons. I am dumbfounded with this thought. What have we done as "winner's" of wars...have we stooped so low as to condemn people, simply because they've not taken a stand against political leaders? That after these wars we've brainwashed the survivors into believing that they deserved everything they got because they were the evil ones? We are the lucky ones; lucky in that we had the good fortune for supplies to reach our troops, generals who've made the right decisions at just the right time. Our politics are no better than theirs, you just have to look at the human rights abuses that go on in our own country, and the state of affairs in regards to treatment of prisoners by our allies fighting in the middle east, and the mental health of our own returned servicemen.


I suppose that it's very easy for us to say that we're ok just because we don't have death camps like the Germans or Japanese...but is it just that we've learnt to hide our abuses a little better since their mistakes? Are the degradation of civil liberties, and constant put downs of anyone that is different from ourselves, and damaging the psyches of whole nations any better than the wholesale slaughter of their people? Have we created mentalities equal to battered wives or slave nations purely because of who won which war? Is that kind of life truly better simply because we've let them live?


I would like to think that the world is moving beyond these suppressive political motivations and moving towards a supportive global community where we are all treated equally, but it seems that with every war we seem to have learnt very little in regards to treating each other with kindness and compassion.


Surely it should be as simple as drawing up a list of rules, with the basis of "Would you like to be treated that way yourself? No? Well then it's not ok to do that to anyone else either."...bring it all right down to a personal level, if everyone understands the rules then they are less likely to break them. During the First World War, there was a spirit of "Live and let live.", where if it wasn't hurting you, then an informal truce would fall, troops could withdraw to safety, or celebrate Christmas, simply to allow someone to live, rather than always being ready to persecute them simply because they were the enemy. "The Enemy" were still seen as humans who were simply caught up in a government's polotics.


Obviously we need to remind ourselves and each other everyday to see everyone we meet as we see ourselves, and treat each other with that same respect.


*deep sigh* I know this is a theme I keep repeating in my blog, but so often I'm reminded of this by little things I see around me. 


Well enough of me ranting, I'll let you  get on with your day...enjoy yourselves :)
Kate